Joke Issue 2012


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JOKE ISSUE | Penn Athletics to adopt new mascot

Athletic Director M. Grace Calhoun has been making a lot of changes in her first year at the helm of Penn Athletics.

On Tuesday, Calhoun — after long discussions with the Wharton marketing department — announced that the Quakers would be re-branding the athletic programs as the Penn Red and Blue and adopting a new tree-based mascot.

“No, I don’t see any similarity to [Stanford’s athletic program],” Calhoun said when asked of her decision.

When it came down to it, Penn athletics decided it needed more of a natural mascot.

JOKE ISSUE | BREAKING: Penn student attends sporting event

PHILADELPHIA — She had no idea where she was.

Freshman Ilana Bernstein ventured out Wednesday afternoon, looking to find "yet another boring history recitation." But what she found was more shocking and appalling to her than any TA could ever be: a Penn sporting event.

"It was honestly the most scarring thing I've seen at Penn," Bernstein said.

JOKE ISSUE | Jerome Allen shocks everyone, goes to Columbia

It seems that the Lions have turned the tables on Penn and become the poachers.

Only a month after Penn football legend Al Bagnoli was announced as Columbia’s new coach, recently-fired Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen has followed suit, taking over the Light Blue program in the aftermath of a middling campaign.

Allen was profuse in his praise for his new employer.

“I’m not here to praise Columbia,” he said.

The announcement — which followed a series of incognito meetings between the former Penn star and Columbia brass — took many by surprise, including former Lions head coach, Kyle Smith.

“Excuse,” said a bewildered Smith when informed by Columbia that his services would not longer be needed.

JOKE ISSUE | Penn Relays Carnival moving to Penn State

As if the consistent national athletic attention and overwhelming adoration from Pennsylvania’s adolescent population wasn’t enough, Penn State has gained another round of ammo to hold against its longtime Philadelphia rival.

To the surprise of the tens of collegiate track and field fans on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced on Tuesday that the historic Penn Relays will be moving to Penn State.

“Does this in any way affect Fling?” asked one particularly devoted supporter during Calhoun’s ensuing question and answer session.

In what can only be described as one of the great clerical mix-ups in the history of track and field, the first annual Relays — which was held in 1895 — was mistakenly held at Penn and not Penn State, as the events bylaws originally intended.

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