HAHA you really tried to sniff this, didn't you, you sucker? Quit sneaking the 'DP' and pay attention to the TA

Next year, Wharton students can experience a whole new kind of Banker's Club. Next fall, the Preceptorials Committee will offer a course on Banker's Club - a popular alcohol brand which produces such liquors as rum, vodka, whiskey, bourbon, gin, scotch and brandy.

Rollie Peterkin stepped onto the electronic scale, unsure of what he might see. The red digits on the scale's display proceeded to flash convulsively. In less than five seconds, the display read "Error." Here, in the Penn wrestling team's Pottruck Wrestling Complex next to the Palestra, Peterkin decided to try the other scale.

Former women's basketball coach Pat Knapp made his final trip to the Palestra March 28 at 2 a.m. to partake in the age-old post-breakup tradition of gathering his belongings. As he walked down 33rd Street toward Spruce, he stumbled upon Relay for Life on Franklin Field.

Theft Mar. 27 - A male student, 22, reported at about 2:30 p.m. that $30 were stolen from his wallet by an unknown suspect wearing a SPEC t-shirt on Locust Walk. Mar. 28 - A woman unaffiliated with the University reported at about 4 p.m. that she was "flim-flammed" by an unknown suspect at the cash register in Wawa, located at 3744 Spruce St.

Knapp riles relayers on way out the door Former women's basketball coach Pat Knapp made his final trip to the Palestra March 28 at 2 a.m. to partake in the age-old post-breakup tradition of gathering his belongings. As he walked down 33rd Street toward Spruce, he stumbled upon Relay for Life on Franklin Field.

By TITS McGEE Lady Staff Writer tits@dailypennsylvanian.com Another sophomore hoopster has flown Glen Miller's coop. And this one's going to hurt even more than it did to watch Remy Cofield and Harrison Gaines hang up their sneaks. Tyler Bernardini, Penn's leading scorer the past season and the 2008 Ivy League Rookie of the Year, announced yesterday that he will be the latest member of the Class of 2011 to wave goodbye to Miller and company.

By DAVID DeLUCA Ali Enthusiast hottie10@dailypennsylvanian.com Over the last few years, the Penn women's lacrosse team has steadily improved from being the joke of the Ivy League to its creme de la creme. From a 10-6 season in 2006, to a Final Four in 2007, to last year's loss in the national championship, and finally, to this year's 10-0 start, the Quakers have clearly become Penn's best team.

There's something rotten in the State of Student Government. The pristine facade of last week's student government election was shattered last night as the Nominations and Elections Committee admitted that previously unacknowledged foul play had tainted the election.

After three long years, the Palestra finally has its 'stache back. Just not the man himself. Courting popular favor in anticipation of this month's "town hall" meeting on the state of men's basketball, Penn coach Glen Miller was recently spotted sporting the trademark mustache of predecessor Fran Dunphy, who guided the Quakers to 10 Ivy championships in his 17-year run with the program.

A month after Dan Leone was fired from his job with the Philadelphia Eagles due to a Facebook post that slammed the organization, Athletic Communications assistant Charles "Chas" Dorman has been fired for similar Facebook activity. The Eagles fired Leone because he lambasted them for letting safety Brian Dawkins leave the team for Denver.

Wawa and the Division of Public Safety recently agreed to shorten Wawa's hours of operation in response to a fight that occurred last week between two intoxicated students inside the store. There are also rumors that the University is considering shortening the hours of 1920 Commons and Houston Market in response to security concerns, but Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush would not confirm these rumors.

In a controversial effort to provide a final bit of wisdom before students graduate, the Wharton School has invited New York financier Bernie Madoff to speak at this year's graduation ceremony. Madoff, former non-executive chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange, has recently become known for his elaborate Ponzi scheme for which he pled guilty to an 11-count criminal complaint in March. He will address Wharton's Class of 2009 via videoconference on May 17 at 5:30 p.m. at Franklin Field.

Newspapers are dead. True fact, printed in this very truthful publication. Just look at our front page today. Completely dead. A blog told me so. Also, we're in a Recession. I capitalize the R because it's like the Depression, except people are too Depressed to admit it.

By VANILLA ICE Whigger Party Member iceicebaby@bigwhigs.org Penn's prospects for an Ivy title are as bleak as they've ever been. But its trophy shelf might just see some hardware come Grammy season. Forward and emcee Justin Reilly (aka Yung Reezy) drops his debut album, "(Thug) Life of Reilly," today, and critics are calling it "an unequivocal triumph in the realm of unathletic, injury-prone white rappers taller than 6-foot-7.

A senior admitted to the hospital last week has been diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, the human strain of bovine spongiform encephalopathy - commonly known as Mad Cow disease. The disease is fatal, and there is no known treatment or cure.

In an effort to stem the flow of alcohol into the Quadrangle in the weeks leading up to Spring Fling, Quad security guards have stepped up the depth of their searches of students' belongings. Slated to go into effect today, the new policy - which allows random strip searches of students who are suspected of carrying alcohol on their person - is meeting intense criticism from various groups on campus. Their objections range from privacy issues to fears that female Quad residents will be targeted.