The 10-0 Penn women's lacrosse team wasn't always at the top of the Ivy League. In fact, in coach Karin Brower's 10 years with the program, the Quakers have only beaten Ivy League rival Dartmouth twice - in each of the last two seasons. So tomorrow at noon on Franklin Field, Brower will hope that her third time is still the charm.

Ivy League lacrosse is in Samantha Bird's blood. Penn's senior attack comes from a line of women's lacrosse players. Bird's older sister, Courtney, graduated from Princeton last year, while her younger sister, Georgia, is currently a freshman on Dartmouth's roster.

What do you get when you blend a fake afro, a Celine Dion video, a cookie monster mask and a human banana? Besides a phenomenal theme party, of course. The answer: a third-place finish at the Student Athlete Advisory Committee's athlete talent show, revived for the first time since 2006 at the Zellerbach Theater this past Monday evening.

April 7 - With its hopes of an Ivy League title all but dashed, the men's lacrosse team viewed its Tuesday matchup with archrival No. 2 Princeton as a chance for redemption. The Tigers were fresh off an upset of then-No. 2 Syracuse - the defending national champion - so Penn was looking to pull off one of the biggest upsets in recent team history.

After an encouraging performance with the bats in its last Ivy weekend, the Softball team looked to carry that momentum into a doubleheader against city rival Temple. But besides a pair of home runs, the Quakers couldn't put any additional runs on the board, and the defense wasn't much better in 7-2 and 7-1 losses at Warren Field.

Just hours before the Phillies took the field for Major League Baseball's Opening Night, the Penn football team took to the gridiron at Franklin Field for the first time in 2009. Unlike the Phillies loss to the Braves, this one didn't count: it was the team's annual intrasquad scrimmage.

Colin Groshong may have graduated from Penn all the way back in 2007, but the Red and Blue are still following him. Well maybe just the Blue. Groshong, in front of former Penn lightweight rowing teammates and coaches, coxed the Oxford first team "Blue" boat to a win in the 155th incarnation of its paramount contest against Cambridge, known simply as "The Boat Race.

It's just another sign of the times. Given Penn's shrinking endowment and slacking admissions, athletic director Steve Bilsky has jumped on the mediocrity bandwagon by publicly outlining his vision for an NCAA program of "moderate achievement," and "a general decrease in expectations.

By VANILLA ICE Whigger Party Member iceicebaby@bigwhigs.org Penn's prospects for an Ivy title are as bleak as they've ever been. But its trophy shelf might just see some hardware come Grammy season. Forward and emcee Justin Reilly (aka Yung Reezy) drops his debut album, "(Thug) Life of Reilly," today, and critics are calling it "an unequivocal triumph in the realm of unathletic, injury-prone white rappers taller than 6-foot-7.

A month after Dan Leone was fired from his job with the Philadelphia Eagles due to a Facebook post that slammed the organization, Athletic Communications assistant Charles "Chas" Dorman has been fired for similar Facebook activity. The Eagles fired Leone because he lambasted them for letting safety Brian Dawkins leave the team for Denver.

After three long years, the Palestra finally has its 'stache back. Just not the man himself. Courting popular favor in anticipation of this month's "town hall" meeting on the state of men's basketball, Penn coach Glen Miller was recently spotted sporting the trademark mustache of predecessor Fran Dunphy, who guided the Quakers to 10 Ivy championships in his 17-year run with the program.

Glen Miller's dog, Snuggles, will transfer to another family, the canine's mother confirmed in a press release yesterday. "Snuggles needs to live in a house where she has confidence in the family's leaders," the bitch said. She went on to describe the ideal family as one that could "fully utilize Snuggles' skill set" - namely, eating, crapping and chewing on her own ass.

Rollie Peterkin stepped onto the electronic scale, unsure of what he might see. The red digits on the scale's display proceeded to flash convulsively. In less than five seconds, the display read "Error." Here, in the Penn wrestling team's Pottruck Wrestling Complex next to the Palestra, Peterkin decided to try the other scale.

Former women's basketball coach Pat Knapp made his final trip to the Palestra March 28 at 2 a.m. to partake in the age-old post-breakup tradition of gathering his belongings. As he walked down 33rd Street toward Spruce, he stumbled upon Relay for Life on Franklin Field.

Knapp riles relayers on way out the door Former women's basketball coach Pat Knapp made his final trip to the Palestra March 28 at 2 a.m. to partake in the age-old post-breakup tradition of gathering his belongings. As he walked down 33rd Street toward Spruce, he stumbled upon Relay for Life on Franklin Field.

By DAVID DeLUCA Ali Enthusiast hottie10@dailypennsylvanian.com Over the last few years, the Penn women's lacrosse team has steadily improved from being the joke of the Ivy League to its creme de la creme. From a 10-6 season in 2006, to a Final Four in 2007, to last year's loss in the national championship, and finally, to this year's 10-0 start, the Quakers have clearly become Penn's best team.

By TITS McGEE Lady Staff Writer tits@dailypennsylvanian.com Another sophomore hoopster has flown Glen Miller's coop. And this one's going to hurt even more than it did to watch Remy Cofield and Harrison Gaines hang up their sneaks. Tyler Bernardini, Penn's leading scorer the past season and the 2008 Ivy League Rookie of the Year, announced yesterday that he will be the latest member of the Class of 2011 to wave goodbye to Miller and company.