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College Professor Has Been Robbing Students Who Say That They Can't Pick Him Out of a Lineup

(03/27/18 4:00am)

Penn professor Frederick Watkins was arrested last week after successfully pulling off a string of heists over the past three years. The robberies had baffled even Philadelphia’s most experienced police detectives, who admittedly are a bit out of their element in a situation that requires them to do anything besides grease street poles with Crisco.




New Frat Position Formed to Help Brothers Find Dates for Date Nights

(03/31/18 9:32pm)

Everyone knows real frat boys don’t date. So when date nights and formals come around, it undoubtedly gets a bit nerve-wracking. Obviously, they don't get too nervous though, because they are really cool guys and can totally ask any girl they want. But just in case, it’s nice to have a backup.


Editorial | It's time to end Regular Decision

(03/27/18 4:09am)

The growing prominence of Early Decision in Penn’s admissions process is not without controversy. Applicants who apply early must submit a binding contract, and are required to enroll at Penn upon admission. Legacy students, student-athletes, and students of higher socioeconomic status have been shown to compose a disproportionately high percentage of the Early applicant pool. And despite the fact that fewer than a sixth of applicants applied early, Early Decision admits made up over 55% of Penn’s Class of 2021. For these reasons, last year’s Editorial Board of The Daily Pennsylvanian called for an end to Early Decision.






Trump considering Amy Wax to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education

(03/27/18 4:15am)

Staffing shake-ups continue to rock Washington as President Trump is considering Penn Law professor and frequent purse-clutcher Amy Wax to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, according to a source with ties to the presidential administration. DeVos has been on thin ice since her disastrous "60 Minutes" interview earlier this month, and Wax’s recent controversial remarks have placed her firmly on the radar of an administration that strives to pick the worst possible candidate for any given position.




Wow, This Penn Student Still Checks His Email Every Ivy Decision Day To See If He Got Into Princeton

(03/30/18 7:28pm)

Another year, another Ivy Decision Day, another glimmer of hope, and another inevitable letdown. Adrian Guster (C ‘18) is looking forward to his fifth Ivy Decision Day since he applied to his dream school, Princeton University. After settling for his second choice at Penn, Adrian was never able to fully let go. He still sleeps in his Princeton shirt every night of March in preparation for decision release day, but this year will likely be the last time.




Student Working on Essay in Class Wishes She Could Turn Down Volume On Lecture

(04/06/18 11:23pm)

Jessica Casey (C '19) has been officially recognized as the most focused student ever to sit in an ASTR 001: Survey of the Universe lecture. The title was previously held by a student employed at Weingarten as a note-taker, but Casey is not motivated by financial gain.


Socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and sexually frustrated | How hooking up at Penn is harder as a conservative

(03/27/18 4:10am)

I saw her across my recitation classroom: blonde-haired, wearing a Vineyard Vines long-sleeve, and talking to her friend about the triumphs of classical, laissez-faire economics over Keynesian theory. She was the image of everything I’d ever dreamed about (except that she wasn’t wearing a Reagan-Bush ‘84 pin). The Zooey Deschanel to my 500 Days of Summer. After class, I tried to tell her that we were meant to be together.