Senior column by Katherine Chang | Learning to stand back up

“We are unable to offer you a position on the 131st Board. Sorry.”

I stood in silence, phone to my ear, as the already fragile world of my junior fall completely crumbled. 

The Daily Pennsylvanian had been my defining activity at Penn. Most of my friends were on the board. My non-DP friends knew me as the “newspaper girl” from the 35-plus hours a week I spent in the windowless office. Throughout my term as advertising manager, it became a well-known fact that I could be the next executive editor. I knew that the only reason my peers would not elect me would be a political one: I had spoken out against decisions by higher management.

But the pain wasn’t simply because I felt that my work had been overlooked. That semester had been the most difficult in my life.

On Sept. 28, 2014, Amanda Hu, one of my roommates, took her life in our house. For the next few months, I lived without a place that felt like home and felt empty inside. I didn’t understand how someone whom I felt I had known was gone just a few hours after we sat talking about our futures. Amanda had always been someone I aspired to be like: smart, kind, loving, pretty, fun, poised and humble. Just like that, an integral person in my life was gone.

Just 24 hours after I left the Philadelphia Police station at 8th and Race with my roommates, I was back at my desk in the office on 40th and Walnut. I had a department to manage and ads to sell. Doing work was a way for me to forget that life wasn’t normal anymore and gave me some sense of purpose. I still occasionally burst into tears while looking at sales reports or sending emails. But the DP felt like a safe haven. I was surrounded by my friends, doing work that I enjoyed.

When DP board elections rolled around in early November, I decided to run for business manager — a job most thought I would be a shoe-in for — rather than my original plan of executive editor. Even though I felt qualified for the top job, I was scared that there would be more stories of suicide that I would be mentally and emotionally unprepared to deal with.

When I found out at 3 a.m. that a less-experienced staff member had been elected over me, I silently stood alone in my friend’s bathroom. I was scared of where my mind would wander without the DP’s daily responsibilities to occupy me. I didn’t understand how my safe bet had backfired. But most of all, I felt betrayed by the friends who I had confided in. They knew everything I had been through, but they still actively took the floor from beneath my feet when I already felt like I had no roof or walls.

In my years at 4015 Walnut, I learned how to sell, lead a department (in which I was the only female), hire, fire, speak up for myself, leave non-awkward voicemails, keep going after rejection, navigate office politics and so much more. But in the months it took for me to come to terms with my DP failure — whether or not it was deserved — I also learned to get back up, the last of many lessons that the DP taught me.

Standing back up is not something I could have done alone. Gratitude is something that can never be adequately expressed, but thank you to:

4046/3937, for always sticking by me even when I didn’t and for showing me that strength comes in many different forms.

My department, for the laughs, memories and making every moment spent at the DP worth it.

The Blue room and DPOSTM, for taking in someone from biz as one of your own.

Dave and Donna, for being my DP parents and always putting a smile on my face.

My hockey team, for being by my side, demonstrating true friendship and selflessly showing me what it meant to love and be loved.

My fellow Eggscrubbers, for the gift of music played from the heart.

ASB, for showing me that it’s never too late.

My freshman hall, for being a source of comfort and for being there for me despite me not doing the same.

Cru, for showing me the value of faith, even when nothing makes sense.

My parents, who always put me first.

So many other friends, who showed their love and support through hugs, food, texts, comforting words and the generous gift of time.

And finally, Amanda, who in her life and death taught me the value of love and life itself. Loving you always.

KATHERINE CHANG is a College senior double majoring in economics and music and will be working as a consultant in New York at Strategy& (formerly Booz & Co.) in the fall. She served as the advertising manager on the 130th Board.

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