JOKE ISSUE: Historians discover Ben Franklin did not found Penn

Nearly 260 years of Penn history is a lie.

University archivists uncovered evidence on Monday revealing that Benjamin Franklin did not found Penn. One of Franklin’s many illegitimate children, Marshall Howard, appears to have been Penn’s true founder.

University Archives & Records Center Staffer Evangeline Staub uncovered the crucial letter.

“We really found this out by chance," University Archives & Records Center Director Aria McAuliffe said. Staub noticed a letter from Franklin to someone named Marshall during a routine search. After reading it, she calledMcAuliffe over to take a look.

In the letter, Franklin referred to Howard as his “best bastard.” Franklin went on to compliment him on that “little learning place you wish to start.”

The letter later described Howard's interactions with Reverend William Smith, Penn’s first provost. Franklin said that Howard was a “fair and wise choice to help lead the school.”

The ending of the letter shocked researchers.

Before concluding his letter, Franklin said, “This practical education you propose, son, is nothing but nonsense to me. If men are to learn skills necessary for life, mustn’t we give them only a bed and a lady?”

“I nearly fell over in my chair after reading it. I was stunned,” Staub said.

Franklin’s off-color remark reflects his well-known status as a womanizer, but also establishes that Penn’s culture of “practical education” stems from Howard, not Franklin.

“We can no longer say with any certainty that Ben Franklin founded Penn. I would even say it is intellectually dishonest to maintain that he did,” McAuliffe said.

News of Penn’s true parentage left administrators as shocked as the researchers.

“Despite this finding, we will do our best to uphold Penn’s legacy as a hub for innovation through intellectual exploration,” Penn President Amy Gutmann wrote in an emailed statement. “Regardless of its founder, Penn is still Penn.” 

A source close to the Office of the President informed the Daily Pennsylvanian on March 24of a University investigation into Staub’s finding.

“They are performing an internal probe to verify the letter,” the source confirmed.

Some professors view this probe as a means for University officials to fabricate or hide evidence.

“People are going to start raising the issue of whether university administrators hid this evidence. It does sound a lot more attractive to have Ben Franklin as your founder rather than his illegitimate child,” Penn Law Professor Shritama Giannopoulos said.

“Letting them perform this probe, without the involvement of a nonpartisan investigator, will only further murk its results,” she added.

Other faculty members have reached out to the DP to decry the University's "blatant attempts to cover this up."

"Look at all these other statements they're making to draw attention from this. Penn just announced a ban on hard alcohol. Why? So students don't focus on this issue," English professor Nayyir Collins said.

Students’ reactions ranged from ambivalence to outright denial.

“This is typical liberal bashing of another Founding Father. You can put that letter along with Obama’s birth certificate into the garbage bucket of forged documents,” Penn for Patriotism President and College junior Lila Ismail said.

Ismail said that Penn for Patriotism would be organizing a “stand-in” on Friday next to the Ben Franklin statue outside College Hall.

“We ask all students who want to stand up for the sanctity of our Founding Fathers to stand with us outside College Hall. No one has the right to take our history away from us,” Ismail said.

For other students, the revelation made little noticeable impact.

“I could care less who founded this school. It’s in the Ivy League, so people know we’re important. We don’t need to have Ben Franklin as our founder,” College freshman Conrad Park said.

“Besides, bastards are cool," Park added. "Isn’t Jon Snow on Game of Thrones a bastard? They can be awesome."

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