You better start hitting Pottruck this week, because surf's about to be up at the South Bank campus.
Instead of the planned "Pennovation Center" there, Penn President Amy Gutmann has approved a change in plans that will result in the transformation of the area into a beach and pedestrian boardwalk for students.
Instead of the long-planned research park, the plans call for a "South Beach" on the Schuylkill River and a Jersey Shore-esque boardwalk. The campus will include gift shops featuring an exclusive line of John Legend apparel, a hair salon with a stock of Gutmann’s precise hair styling tools and cookies made daily by College of Arts and Sciences Dean Dennis DeTurck.
“At the end of the day, Penn is responsible for keeping their students toned, tanned, fit and ready," said Anita Head, the director of the newly created Office of Recreational Gatherings and Sexual Management. "And frankly, Philadelphians, with their affinity for cheesesteaks, have been hindering that process for years.”
The expansion has faced much controversy from local Philadelphians, who feel that the beach should not be an exclusive Penn site and are demanding that it be made public, like Penn Park.
“This is our town too, and I know I want a beach to get my tan on during the summer months,” said Agatha Trunchbull, a Philadelphia resident.
"It's always sunny in Philadelphia, and I want a beach to soak in the rays," Philadelphia resident Charlie Kelly said.
Penn administrators have been quick to respond to accusations like Trunchbull’s, citing student needs as taking precedence over the desires of city residents.
"The beachfront is going to go a long way toward getting students out of the Penn bubble, and we expect it to be especially beneficial for students' stress levels during spring finals, when they can take some time off from studying and fit in a nice swim in the Schuylkill," Head said.
Susie Cohen, a College freshman, was over the moon when told about the changes.
“Next year instead of flying all the way to Puerto Vallarta with all my friends, I’m heading straight for the South Bank beach,” Cohen said.
