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It looks like the list of active on-campus fraternities is about to become as bare as Nicki Minaj’s breasts in her latest color-overloaded, attention-craving music video.

The University has withdrawn recognition from 15 fraternities after discovering that at least half, but probably all, of the fraternities on campus participate in alcohol consumption, unprotected sex, hazing, loud music playing and other activities that are completely typical of fraternities everywhere.

According to Director of the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life Scott Reikofski, some of the “frat” members were even caught smoking marijuana, which University officials noted is commonly referred to as “pot,” “weed” or “reefer.”

Even though some studies have estimated that as many as 75 to 80 percent of college students smoke marijuana at least on occasion, a statement by the Office of Alcohol and Other Drug Program Initiatives revealed they were “shocked and horrified” that fraternity members were doing it in their on-campus and off-campus houses.

“Any Penn official who isn’t an idiot should recognize that excessive drinking and partying are natural parts of student life. When you put a bunch of 18 to 22-year-old guys in a house, this stuff will always happen,” Reikofski said.

“Honestly, the problem is they got caught,” he added.

“People drink and smoke in frat houses. Apparently, this is news,” said Executive Director of Vice Provost for University Life Facilities Thomas Hauber. “I’m pretty sure this just goes to show that the Greek life system here and everywhere is completely flawed and that the social culture of University life is rooted in alcohol and drugs. Nobody can ever change that, and it’s pretty much impossible to police.”

“I mean, imagine how boring this school would be if people didn’t party. No one would want to come here,” Dean of Admissions Eric Furda said.

When students’ parents learned their children’s fraternities were kicked off campus, about 10 percent were surprised. The other 90 percent just shrugged their shoulders.

“I hear one fraternity was kicked off for making pledges kill a keg,” Penn father Bill Davidson said. “Hell, when I was at Penn, we made pledges chug horse feces while we beat them with spiked bats.”

“It kind of seems like it has toned down,” he said.

“I mean, this is pretty much awesome. Now we can drink and party as much as we want,” said one College junior and fraternity member, who wishes to remain anonymous because having his quote up on the internet could result in employers discovering that he drinks and firing him from the “sweet” summer internship he just landed.

Recent investigation revealed that the punishments were implemented shortly after much of the University’s faculty, including all of OFSL, took a group trip to the eye doctor and updated their prescriptions.

“We’re no longer blind,” Reikofski said.

_This article appeared in the Daily Pennsylvanian’s Joke Issue 2013. For more information, click here

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