*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.
At about 2:30 a.m. on Friday, three individuals successfully cleaned out the Division of Public Safety’s bicycle garage in a robbery by demand note.
In addition, Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush’s personal Good Cop Bad Cop Fuzzy Handcuffs Trophy has been reported missing.
No injuries have been reported and no arrests have been made. “How were we supposed to catch up?” Rush asked. “They took all our bikes!”
Penn Police Chief Mark Dorsey confirmed that the demand note was printed on fuschia paper, scented with “Vera Wang Princess,” as identified by the DPS police dog, Butch. The note read: “Hand over the big bikes, big boy.”
Although the investigation remains active, a source who wished to remain anonymous for no reason at all speculated that the perpetrators may be rushing a fraternity.
“I saw them lining up in the Bio Pond,” said a red-eyed onlooker who described it as “fun, fun, fun, fun,” in a Chatroulette message correspondence.
Dorsey is searching for the following three men: “Lean, blue-eyed, 6’4”, muscular, brown-haired individuals, sporting mirror-lense aviators, cognac Sperrys, backwards caps, expertly ironed button downs and matching Nantucket Red shorts.”
He could only compare “these crafty mothafuckas” to the “repeat-offender sorority girl who would stuff her fanny pack with 1920 Commons’ celery and then deny it,” Dorsey admitted.
The security camera tapes show the individuals shattering the front door of DPS, yelling, “Does this look like a BRAIN to you?” at the front officer, whilst exposing their genitalia.
The officer, “shocked and hypnotized by this lewd display,” handed over the keys to the bike garage, said Dorsey, who was upstairs in a team meeting at the time.
“I feel naked without my bike,” Dorsey grunted. He declined to give details on DPS’s projected response, although he did say, “I hope these boogers run as well as they dress.”
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