*Alec Webley | You're still welcome

*This column appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue. Alec Webley did not actually author this column.

G’day mates! It is I, Alec Webley, your fearless crusader. I’m about to end my term as the last Undergraduate Assembly Chairman EVER. And even though I’ll still be on the UA next year (and let’s be honest: I’ll still be doing all the dirty work), I thought it would be just fanciful for me to list my accomplishments and share with all of you my goals for the future.

Here’s just a short list of what we’ve done this year:

1) We had a referendum! Well, actually, it wasn’t exactly the UA that initiated it, but I’ll still take credit for it. I was amazed and flabbergasted by just how popular it was; about 23 percent of students actually voted — even more students than voted in the hotly contested November municipal elections.

2) We had an election! Well, actually, it was run largely by the Nominations and Elections Committee and some disgruntled seniors since I was up for election myself, but hell, I’ll still take credit for this, too. Regardless of authorship, wasn’t it fun? I think, and IvyGate will agree, that the Class of 2013 presidential contest was particularly scintillating. Still, more could be done to make it even better. Next year, there should be 10,000 debates in a 2-hour period.

3) We had lots of UA members “resign voluntarily.” Why did they actually leave? Let’s just say, if The Daily Pennsylvanian couldn’t figure out what happened to Lee Stetson, they’ll never figure this out.

4) We passed a budget! It gives lots of groups more money. Congrats, co-ed, south-east-west-German pop/rock/jazz a capella group, you now can get Student Activities Council funding! Penn Democrats and College Republicans, I’m sorry, but you’re still mostly out of luck.

5) We still give students cheap rides to the airport! Let’s be honest, for most students, this is the only reason why the UA matters.

That’s about it. We didn’t really do anything else. Well, we threw slammin’ completely dry parties during New Student Orientation, but other than that, we were pretty unproductive.

But, lest you think I’m all washed up now, I still have another year left to student-govern. And I still have almost another full column left to write. So here’s what I plan to do on the UA next year:

1) Replace Bon Appetit with Stephen Starr as Penn’s food service provider.

2) Eliminate all sector requirements that force humanities majors to sit through science classes.

I know I won’t actually get these initiatives accomplished. But since you don’t care about student government anyway, I’d rather go big than go home.

And in the off-chance that the UA actually does something monumentously important this year, you’re welcome in advance. Cheers!

Alec Webley is a College junior and the last UA chairman EVER. That’s kind of like being the Last King of Scotland, only not.

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