*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue
After deadlocking in negotiations with Google and Microsoft to replace the aging Webmail system, Penn administrators have finally found a solution.
By next semester, Webmail will be gone for good, replaced by an innovative new system hosted by Western Union.
SAS Vice Dean Ramin Sedehi has hailed this development as "a sign that the University will be on the forefront of technology in a new century."
"A pioneering company like Western Union will provide our students with the best, most reliable means of communication possible," Sedehi said.
In a rare example of officials moving quickly, construction will begin on the new e-mail infrastructure starting finals week. Students can expect minor disruptions to their daily routine as workers move onto campus to erect poles and string wires.
"In the long run, building this new infrastructure for e-mail will take a load off the overburdened system," said Robin Beck, the director of Information Systems and Computing.
Many students have expressed concern at having to learn morse code to send messages. In anticipation of this problem, starting in the fall of 2007, the University's Critical Writing Program will offer Morse 101.
"Looking toward the future, writing will become unnecessary as people use more efficient means of communication like Morse code," Provost Ronald Daniels said. "The youngest generation is already using a variety of abbreviations and codes, so it's important that everyone learn how to communicate."
"Dot dot STOP dot dash dot dot space dash dash dash space dot dot dot dash space dot STOP dash space dot dot dot dot space dot STOP dash dot dot space dot dash dash dot END," Daniels added.
In addition, students will not have to worry about security or privacy issues. Messages will only exist as one copy, in a sealed envelope before they are delivered. After delivery, the student has total control over what he can do with the messages: file them, sort them, destroy them or share them.
Finally, according to head of Information Systems and Computing Robin Beck, a large number of IT staff will be laid off over the summer, and the excess room in the budget will be used to hire uniformed messenger boys.
Expecting Google or Microsoft to replace the Webmail server, students were outraged by the choice.
"Now I'm going to have to wait three hours to buy my velour pants online," College sophomore Tali Yahalom said. "What is the University doing to us?"
"Dot dash dot dot dash dash dash dot dash dot dot," Daniels replied.
