*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue
Jesus Christ, move over - there's a new religion in town.
Barbaro, the recently euthanized Kentucky Derby winner that captured the hearts of an entire nation of middle-aged women, is still captivating avid followers from beyond the grave.
Trish Tomkins, 44, a housewife and self-described "Barbaro Maniac," from Ottumwa, Iowa, announced over the weekend her plans for a new religion starring Barbaro as the Messiah himself - Barbarology.
"Barbaro came to me in my sleep last night," Tomkins said. "And I don't mean in my dreams, because that would have been like every night. I mean that the horse actually came into my bedroom and chewed on my hair a little."
Tomkins went on to add that she "could actually smell the hay - and it was glorious."
Tomkins described their encounter as mostly neighing, snorting and heavy breathing, but added that "it was heavy breathing with a deeper meaning, you know?"
Since hearing the announcement, fellow Barbaro fans stricken with grief at the loss of their "friend" have flocked to Tomkins's house, eager to join the Barbarology sensation.
"I always knew there was something special about that horse," said Midge Carter, 53, of Madison, Wis. "That long, flowing mane, those strong, sturdy haunches, those." Carter trailed off as she gazed toward the sky.
Others showed their religious devotion to the famous thoroughbred through unique artistic expression.
"I started growing my hair out in a mane once I heard he had been euthanized," said Starshine Moonsong, 57, of San Francisco. "I'm working on a tail, but that's a lot harder."
George Steinberg, 50, was the only man on the premises.
"Honestly, I'm just here to pick up chicks," he said. "I tried eHarmony and that Cupid.com thing . I'm getting desperate."
And as prophets of Barbarology traverse the globe to spread their holy message, world religious leaders are forming a united front against them.
Only two days after Easter, Pope Benedict XVI addressed his constituency from his window above the Vatican.
"Do not allow yourselves to be persuaded by the equine ways of these American women," the Pope warned. What is Barbarology doing to us?"
"He was a damn fine horse, though," he later admitted.
Neither the Father, Son nor the Holy Ghost returned repeated requests for comment.
Back in the American heartland, rumors that Tomkins's husband has packed up, taken the kids and all the money from the safe could not be confirmed.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Tomkins said, grinning through gritted teeth and clutching a photograph of Barbaro to her oversized chunky sweater.
Tomkins will be baptizing the faithful at the New Bolton Center later this week with a glue stick.
