*DPS to not tell anyone anything

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

Penn's Division of Public Safety will no longer release any information regarding crimes that occur in the Penn Police patrol zone, DPS officials announced yesterday.

The move will make it impossible for anyone outside DPS to know when crimes are committed or track trends and statistics concerning area crime.

Previously, DPS had provided The Daily Pennsylvanian with information regarding the date, time, location, complaint and nature of each crime recorded in the area, as well as victims' specific affiliations with the University. With the policy switch, none of that information - even though DPS is legally required to provide it - will be available.

"The law doesn't hold me down," Vice President of Public Safety Maureen Rush said. "I'm in charge, so what are they going to do to us?"

The move comes after a year of high-profile crimes plagued the area.

"You know 'The Screwdriver Man?' That Drexel-hatin' Law student?" Rush asked. "Well, you wouldn't have heard anything if I had my way."

Officials cited several reasons for the new policy, emphasizing DPS's commitment to upholding Penn's reputation.

"Our first responsibility is ensuring the Penn community that the area is safe," Rush said. "But remember: Safety is also a shared responsibility."

She also emphasized the right to privacy, adding that even the alleged criminal will not be provided with information about his alleged victim. And in turn, victims are not given any information concerning a case, other than what they report themselves.

DPS spokeswoman Karima Zedan added that it will now be much easier for police to commit acts of racial profiling now that no one knows anything about, well, anything.

"Listen, we don't need any statistics to tell us how well we're doing," Rush said. "When someone asks how many crimes there have been, I'll just make up a number. What are they going to do?"

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