Student government achieves world peace

The Undergraduate Assembly has achieved peace on Earth through several initiatives over the past month.

Student leaders expressed little surprise over their hefty accomplishments and said that they plan to bring peace to the other planets as well by the end of the semester.

"I'm not shocked at all," UA Chairwoman and College senior Rachel Fersh said. "I knew that if we rolled up our shirt sleeves and really dug in, our goal of achieving peace would surely happen."

The body passed several proposals which collectively led to world peace, including persuading all investors to divest from Sudanese companies, ending all wiretapping by the American government and forcing an end to all international wars and conflicts.

The first proposal urged the American government to cease all use of wiretapping and to repeal the Patriot Act. President Bush responded to the UA's proposal by fulfilling all of its requests.

"It was that simple," said UA member and College senior Spencer Scharff, who authored the proposal. "George was very receptive to my persuasive arguments against wiretapping."

Scharff added that he attended a dinner at the White House last week in his honor. He brought an unidentified College freshman and Daily Pennsylvanian reporter as his date.

Later that week, the UA decided to take its mission outside the United States in order to help the people of Sudan.

Through triumphant efforts by UA members, all investors in Sudanese companies agreed to divest themselves, bringing the Sudanese economy to a stand-still. A few hours later, the conflict in Sudan was resolved.

Fersh said that the huge successes inspired her to call on all world leaders to stop their wars and work out their conflicts.

At the rally, each world leader signed a treaty calling for an end to all violence, war and conflict.

UA members hosted the 47 world leaders in their dorms and houses.

"Kim Jong Il was a pretty good roommate," said UA member and College junior Georgiana Cavendish, who hosted the communist dictator at the Kappa Alpha Theta house at 39th and Walnut streets. "We went to a party at Theos together on Saturday night. He kept talking about nuclear weapons, but I figured he was just drunk."

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