Penn security officials announced yesterday that there will be beefed-up and highly invasive security procedures this year at all Quadrangle entrances before and during Spring Fling.
Physical security, however, is not the goal of the measures. Instead, they will be aimed at preventing would-be smugglers from transporting alcoholic beverages into the Quad.
"We must keep the Devil's elixir out of the hands of our young people," Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush said, presumably referring to alcohol.
To that end, Rush announced the Countermeasures Against Very Intoxicated and Tipsy Youngsters program, with new search guidelines for those who have the audacity to try to enter their dorms with alcohol.
Anyone wearing clothing will now be stripped naked and searched inside the privacy of the clear Plexiglas box where security guards normally hibernate for the winter.
To speed up the process, officials will reward those who arrive naked with a free six-pack of beer and an illicit-drug sampler pack.
Many in the Penn community are upset about the new CAVITY search program, and they plan to respond by drinking even more heavily than usual.
"By the end of Fling, the hospital will be seeing if there's any blood in my alcohol system, not the other way around, dude," said College senior Arthur Christopher Slater.
Smuggling operations will likely continue, however, and may expand to involve famous alcoholics.
"Yar, take me into the Quad, matey," said renowned pirate Captain Morgan who, according to his profile on thefacebook.com, has a Ph.D., yet is "too drunk to remember" his home address.
Penn founder Benjamin Franklin once said that "beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
The little-known end of this quotation is, "... And God especially wants there to be kegs of good beer -- not Natural Light -- distributed conveniently throughout the Quad, especially during Spring Fling."
Despite the wishes of the school's founder, CAVITY will go on.
It is just the first stage of Rush's "war on liquor," which will soon be used to justify an occupation and regime change at Drexel University.
Drexel is suspected of harboring beverages of mass destruction such as Bacardi 151.
An event later this week to kick off the campaign will include University President Amy Gutmann donning the ceremonial latex glove and performing the first search.
Gutmann recently said she expects more women than men to be caught with alcohol due to innate differences between the genders that make women more likely to do something stupid.
