On paper, a 16-year-old called R.J. would have no chance against guys with names like Big Game James, Big Gene and the Young Assassin.
But these games aren't played on paper. These games are played on TV screens.
This is the world of the EA Sports Madden Challenge, and what a strange world it is.
Over a thousand people lined up outside The Gallery at Market East Station on Sunday, all trying to be among those lucky 512 chosen to test their skills at the nation's best-selling football video game.
Twelve hours later, it was an out-of-towner, Robert "R.J." Warren from Washington, D.C., who earned the chance to represent our region in the $50,000 finals in Las Vegas.
Warren's Minnesota Vikings defeated 15-year-old Shawn "The Young Assassin" Laguerre's Philadelphia Eagles 12-7 in the finals, led by Randy Moss' two touchdown catches.
It took half a day and nine games to win the competition, but the winning process started well before round one.
"I've been playing since '94, but then I got serious last year," Warren said.
How does someone get serious in the game of virtual football?
"I played [actual football] my freshman year," Warren said. "I was kind of small, so I had to retire at an early age."
Madden is a way of life to these competitors, and nobody's denying it.
The competition's play-by-play announcer and sponsorship director, Mike Shane, describes his favorite aspect of his job as being a part of the "Madden culture."
This is a culture that sees its devotees travel between regionals, trying for another chance at the championship.
"I saw a lot of people who were in New York last week and I saw a lot of people who were in Boston," Shane said.
"It's good to see, with a lot of the East Coast cities being so close to one another, cats who drove two to three hours just to get here as a walk-in."
Typical cultural clothing ranges from Terrell Owens Eagles jerseys to Terrell Owens 49ers jerseys.
And the most noticeable element of the high-stakes Madden culture is loyalty. While casual couch potatoes may play with hometown teams, occasionally experimenting with the Bengals or the Lions, these players stand by their men.
But, like the NFL which the players try to emulate, it's a copycat league.
The vast majority of the players employed the Eagles, Vikings and the most popular choice, Michael Vick and the Atlanta Falcons. Baltimore, Miami and Tennessee were also represented in small numbers, leaving the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots conspicuously absent.
This lack of variety led to quite a few matchups of purple Vikings versus white Vikings or green Eagles versus white Eagles.
Warren's choice of the Vikings was a scientific one.
"When someone plays, they cover four or cover two, it's a one-play touchdown to Moss every time."
All day, everybody knew that the key to victory was going to be the Madden 2005 motto, "Unleash the D."
Moravian College student Andrew Mill sounded like an NFL coach going into the tournament.
"Just gotta play good defense and try to get up early and try to run the ball out in the second half," he said.
In the end, he was right, but long gone from the tournament when Warren's Vikings held Laguerre scoreless in the first half and ran out the clock on a possession that spanned the entire three-minute fourth quarter.
Still, Warren has a lot to work on, including a dismal kicking game that produced a missed extra point, missed field goal and kickoff out of bounds in his final game.
So even after winning nine games Sunday, he was in no mood to relax.
"Tomorrow after school, I'll be on the sticks for another few hours."
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