(This article appeared in the 4/5/04 joke issue)Sticking with his pledge of insomnia, Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Jason Levy has endured 35 sleepless days and nights since the UA unanimously passed a proposal urging a reworking of Penn's final exam schedule.
Though Levy's original comment at the March 1 meeting included the phrase, "We're not going to sleep until this proposal is implemented by the administration," fellow UA members do not seem to be taking the resolution as seriously as their chairman.
"I've been sleeping my requisite eight hours a night," College senior Conor O'Callaghan said. "Look at Levy -- he looks like a wreck. I don't need that kind of stress."
The lack of sleep has indeed been bearing its brunt on Levy, who has been undergoing some disturbing personality changes lately, according to friends.
"His beer pong skills have been seriously lacking the last couple of weekends," said friend and fellow Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother Brett Smiley. "It's getting ridiculous -- we lost to two Alpha Chi Omega girls, for Christ's sake."
Those close to Levy say that the usually talkative undergrad now only mutters strange, incoherent phrases.
"Usually Levy won't shut up," College senior Greg St. Clair said.
"But, now he just sits there with this blank stare on his face," St. Clair noted, adding that "at dinner last night, he did repeat 'must implement proposal' under his breath for about an hour."
The entire tri-state area seems to be concerned with Levy's health, with his family at home in New Jersey making weekly pleas, begging their son to get some shut-eye.
"I'm so worried about him," Mrs. Levy said. "This has to stop -- once in middle school, he stayed up for a week over a Student Council initiative to get new vending machines for the cafeteria -- who knows how long this could go on?"
Mrs. Levy's concerns about her son's health are not just the paranoid ramblings of a typical Jewish mother, according to leading Yale University sleep psychologist Howard Haskell.
"The effects of sleep deprivation can be very extreme," Haskell said. When asked about Levy's particular case, Haskell lowered his voice, admitting that there was a chance Levy would never again be able to author another UA proposal.
"By the end of this, who knows if he'll still be in UA shape," Haskell said.
Though this comment has many UA members worried, others seemed less disappointed with Haskell's prognosis.
"Maybe the UA will finally let [Student Committee on Undergraduate Education] handle issues like this," said College Dean Rebecca Bushnell, who admitted she was a bit "relieved" to hear that this could be the end of Levy's reign.
Bushnell originally responded to Levy's claim with jest, stating, "I felt like saying, 'Well, Jason, you're not going to do very well on your final exams then.'"
But at this point, final exams may be the least of Levy's problems.
Gov. Edward Rendell and University President Judith Rodin, both former UA chairs, are currently forming a task force with the mission of convincing Levy to sleep.
"I understand completely where Levy is coming from," said Rodin, who is rumored to have not showered for over three months during her time as chairwoman, in an attempt to pass a proposal mandating that constituents refer to her as Chairwoman J. Ro.
Rendell seemed to agree, illustrating his dedication to Levy's cause by plastering Locust Walk with "Save Jason" flyers.
"What we need now is an intervention," he said.
Levy has vowed not to sleep until he gets that intervention.
