(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
Burley Runs Cross-Country For No Real Reason
For some reason, Sam Burley just won't stop running.
After refusing to board the van and return to Philadelphia following the Raleigh Relays, Burley was seen running westward away from the team's hotel.
He has since been spotted in eastern Tennessee.
"I just felt like running," he said, refusing further comment to the local reporter.
Speculation about his cause continues to arise. Some teammates speculate that he is running to oppose the war with Iraq. Others say he is doing it to support the war with Iraq
Sophomore Steve Hayes thinks that he "was homesick and just wanted to go back to his house in Wyoming."
"I just don't understand," Penn coach Charlie Powell said. "What an inopportune time for a identity crisis. We need him for Heps."
Powell's attempts to file a missing person report have been futile, because police claim that Burley is not "missing" since he has been spotted.
Teammates have attempted to contact him, but to no avail.
Apparently, he refuses to stop for anything, but has invented the happy face tee-shirt and the "shit happens" bumper sticker so far. For the sake of the men's track team, teammates only hope that he will come to his senses and return home soon.
-- Guy next you at a urinal
Snafu in dream athletic communication wedding
In an unprecedented relaxation of the rules, Carla Shultzberg allowed her fiancee -- who proposed at center court of the Palestra on Valentine's Day -- to contact her without going through athletic communications.
Rich Scheppis resigned in protest of this flagrant violation of policy.
-- Don Delaney
Crew boat sunk remnants of Ivy Titles past
The Penn heavyweight crew's freshman boat ran into a set of sunken goalposts in a race against Temple University on the Schuylkill River on Saturday morning.
"There was a bump and a thud, then the boat was full of water and everybody was going crazy," said Nathaniel Allen, who was in the boat at the time. "Nobody saw it coming.
"Honestly, it was like eight o'clock in the morning, and no one's ever up that early. I didn't even know there was an eight o'clock in the morning."
"I am stunned," Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. "I really thought our 1998 decision to eliminate fun would take care of that problem."
The cost of repairing the boat will not be picked up by Jon Huntsman.
"The hell with repairing the boats," Allen said. "That water is worse than the Anacostia," he said in a forced reference to Washington, D.C.
-- Zinedine Zidane
Softball players to switch teams, aid baseball
In a surprising turn of events, selected members of the Penn softball team will switch their location to Murphy Field, helping the baseball team through its 40-game season after it lost three starters to injuries.
The baseball team was anything but silent when they heard of this dramatic move.
"Man, and I thought Title IX was a joke," senior power hitter Andrew McCreery said. "Is there even a girls' locker room at Murphy Field?"
"I really can't figure out why Penn would even think this idea would work," infielder Nick Italiano said. "It's probably just to show that we promote gender equity or something like that."
The chosen softball players will take the field for the Red and Blue starting April 2. The baseball team has five games in a three-day span.
"We have a softball team?" Penn coach Bob Seddon said following practice. "Hot damn!"
"Don't they play games too?" the injured Alex Blagojevich asked.
Blagojevich does in fact raise an interesting issue. This shift could be potentially fatal for the softball team, which has critical games against Lehigh and Princeton that they will miss.
"It is definitely a double-edged sword," Penn softball coach Carol Kashow said.
"It's a huge loss, but sacrifices have to be made sometimes for the greater good of softball."
-- Written by Yoda this was
