(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue) COLLEGE BUFFET ($6.95) -- With the loss of three starters to graduation this spring -- Ugonna Onyekwe, Koko Archibong and Andrew Toole -- the Penn men's basketball team is looking for assistance beyond traditional routes of recruitment.
Enter former-managers Matt Bloom and Terry Adams.
In a bold move made by Penn coach Fran Dunphy -- it could be his last -- he promoted both Bloom and Adams to varsity status from their managerial positions.
As if that wasn't enough, Dunphy believes that they will be solid contributors to next year's squad.
"If Lebron James doesn't show me he has what it takes to play in the Ivy League -- you know I like low-maintenance players -- then I can definitely see Matt [Bloom] and Terry [Adams] stepping into the starting lineup," Dunphy said.
It was surprising that Dunphy chose Bloom and Adams over Head Waterboy and Director of Basketball Operations Andy Pogach.
Pogach refused to comment on the situation.
Many thought that Pogach's years of experience with the team would earn him the selection.
Bloom greeted the news with his signature two claps and a fist pump.
"This is tremendous news," Bloom said. "Finally my height won't come into play. I have overcome my genetics."
The Teaneck, N.J. native was not known for his basketball skills in high school but was an excellent statistician for Fairleigh-Dickinson University. He also starred as the second baseman and team mascot for the Teaneck High School varsity baseball team. He made an excellent mosquito.
Adams automatically assumed his role as a student-athlete with his response to the news.
"I'm going to go out there and give 110 percent every day and take it one game at a time. I'm going to be the Rudy of this team," he said.
Adams will challenge junior Jeff Schiffner -- the nation's leading three-point shooter -- with his trademark "set shot."
He is known to spot-up anywhere inside half-court and knock it down.
"I know I'm a liability defensively, but I can be an expert marksman for this squad," Adams said in an 1808 HRN press conference yesterday.
Sophomore guard Tim Begley was in shock, disbelief upon hearing the news.
"I hope they can reach my hands when we bring it in for a huddle before the game," he said.
Tryouts to fill the crucial managerial positions will commence tomorrow -- Pogach is an early favorite.
Head Manager Jay (not pictured) could not be reached for comment.
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