*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue* It seems the letters P, H and D are not the only ones missing from Executive Vice President John Fry's name.
The Daily Pennsylvanian has obtained documentation indicating that Fry, who plans to step down at the end of the academic year to become president of Franklin & Marshall College, never received an undergraduate degree or a masters of business administration.
For years, Fry has claimed that he received his BA in American Civilization from Lafayette College and his MBA from New York University's Stern School of Business, but, according to academic transcripts supplied by the two institutions, he was actually several credits shy of earning these degrees.
Fry, showing little remorse, confirmed the reports that he lied and falsified his resume.
"I did not complete all of my coursework at Lafayette and Stern," he said. "Honestly though, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, I am clearly a very talented leader."
Fry said he is confident that he received a strong enough education -- despite missing that framed piece of parchment on his wall.
"What's a couple of letters here or there?" he asked rhetorically, pointing out that he has ably served as Lord and Savior of Penn for the past eight years. "Wait, you don't think the guys over at Franklin & Marshall are going to see this, do you?"
"The guys over at Franklin & Marshall" were considerably less flippant about Fry's lack of undergraduate and graduate degrees.
According to F&M;'s board of trustees Chairwoman Doreen Boyce, she will convene an emergency meeting of the Board today to discuss whether the school should rescind its offer of employment to Fry.
"We looked stupid enough when we picked as our next president a guy who doesn't even have a doctorate," she said. "Yes, we've done that before, but we swore it would never happen again. But then, after we invited all of our final candidates to visit us here in beautiful Lancaster, Pa., for some reason all of them except John Fry dropped out."
But what troubles Boyce the most is not that, in census years, Fry must fill in the little bubble for "some college" -- it's that he lied.
"I really thought he was a man of great integrity," Boyce said. "If you can't trust a businessman, who can you trust?"
Boyce was also concerned over reports that Fry lacks a soul.
Penn administrators expressed shock and disbelief at the news of Fry's missing credentials and fudged resume.
"I don't believe it for a second" University President Judith Rodin said. "Look at all his accomplishments at this institution and then tell me that man doesn't have at least one diploma, not counting high school, of course. There's the movie thea -- oh, wait. There's that outsourcing deal with Tram -- scratch that. There's the Dental School build -- that lying jerk!"
Provost Robert Barchi said in his eyes, John Fry will always be John Fry, BA, MBA.
"I'm a medical doctor," Barchi said. "And in my professional opinion, that man has some education. Of course, not being in the sciences, it's an inferior education, but it's still an education. Sort of."
And it gets worse for Fry. History Professor Tom Childers has accused Penn's top business executive of plagiarizing phrases from his book Wings of Morning on his resume.
