*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue*Chronic Masturbation Mar. 27 -- A College freshman has been charged with chronic masturbation in his Quadrangle single, a crime that has been ongoing for several months, according to a police investigation spurred by a worried residential advisor and a shortage of Kleenex in the Quad commissary. Penalties for the crime include blindness, hairy palms and a one-way trip to hell. University officials are investigating similar incidents throughout campus.
Public Urination Mar. 29 -- Conor Daly allegedly took the battle against "Pseudo-greeks" into his own hands Friday evening. Slightly before midnight, University Police responded to separate calls from individuals at the Theos house and the Owls house located somewhere near campus, both complaining that Daly had dropped trou on their front porches and screamed "Screw societies. Greeks RULE!", before urinating on their front doors. Panhellenic Council President Alison Ng, a Wharton junior, refused to either support or refute Daly's urination.
Theft and Disorderly Conduct Mar. 28 -- A household of female University students reported the unlawful entrance of an unnamed intoxicated individual Thursday evening. Reported missing was a small bedside lamp last seen with said perpetrator traveling down Spruce Street and through the window of a house on the 3900 block of Spruce Street. The lamp was valued at $25.
Indecent Exposure Mar. 30 -- Nominations and Elections Committee Chairwoman Anne Hankey will do anything to get you to vote. Proving her dedication Saturday evening, the College senior stripped down to a thong and ran through both Smokes and Billy Bob encouraging underclassmen in lewd and unacceptable ways to get out and vote for the Undergraduate Assembly in next week's elections.
All information obtained from rumor and gossip. --Johanna diPiazza
