JOKE ISSUE: News Briefs: Monday, April 10, 2000

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.]VPUL starts campaign against alcohol That's what the Office of the Vice Provost for University Life is hoping students learn from a new marketing campaign being launched this week. New advertisements will begin running in The Daily Pennsylvanian this week, containing messages like, "Ninety-nine percent -- ALMOST EVERYONE -- drinks six nights a week or less," and "Only 75 percent of Penn students binge drink every weekend." The statistics were gathered from a recent survey conducted over the World Wide Web. "Students think that everyone drinks all the time," Penn Alcohol Coordinator Stephanie Ives said. "But that's not true. One out of 100 drinks just five nights a week and not seven!" Besides running ads in the DP, the VPUL office will also be hanging banners on Locust Walk and posting signs in the college halls. "Yay!" said Vice Provost for University Life Valarie "I need one more name" Swain-Cade McCoullum. "This is great for our campus! People don't drink every night! And now people will know that! Hooray! Penn is great!!!!!!!" -- Ben Geldon