COLUMN: Killing me softly with their spiels

From Ron Lin's, "Intellectual Pornography," Fall '00 From Ron Lin's, "Intellectual Pornography," Fall '00After a few recruiting dinners and a few interviews, the world doesn't turn out to be such an interesting place anymore. Sounds were made, words were uttered. I think ideas were exchanged. It's not just that I'm totally and utterly disillusioned by the whole internship recruiting process. I did get a free bouncy ball and a massaging device of some sort, not to mention several quality writing utensils. The process, starting with the presentations and finishing with the interviews, was so mindless. Though it seems that most people pursue internships though OCRS, it's probably the least useful means for finding that dream job. Despite the fancy interviewing rooms, the best way to get a job will always be through your own resourcefulness. There are plenty of metaphors you could use to characterize this whole supposed "process." The image of a man licking his thumb and holding it to the breeze is one. A hot air balloon slowly rising from the earth is another. An exploding head is an image I'm extremely fond of, primarily because cranial combustion seemed to be an attractive alternative to bullshitting on and on about my "strengths and weaknesses" for the 34th time. I think the bouncy balls are there to distract us from the obvious lack of humanity and the barren austerity of the whole recruiting process. Are we that dumb? Does a koosh ball really help me overlook the fact that every presentation I've ever been to has been such a waste of my life that I would rather have my testicles waxed in slow motion by a geriatric than endure any more of this malarkey? On a recent Monday night, I got a free dinner at the White Dog CafZ with a not-to-be-named firm. God knows what compels companies to lavish such obscene amounts of money on low-lifes like me. The truth of the matter is that it's the only way to make recruiters feel like worthy people. They're buying you dinner, and we automatically correlate this to their heightened importance. I'm not saying that recruiters are bad people. It's just that they're too damn smug considering the context of their visit to this fine university. They're here for interns, not rocket scientists. So why the dinner? The interview process further elevates this absurd sense of self-importance. The last time I checked, I was interviewing for an internship, which basically means I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Nada. Nil. Zip. Nothing has happened to me. I've been nowhere. I had a milkshake once -- that's why I want an internship. So why does everyone ask me about "experience?" Am I really supposed to know what my "biggest mistake in life" was -- is it already over? Are recruiters really trying to learn about my strengths, or how good I am at totally manufacturing a persona? There's no pretending that anyone really cares what the other person is saying. Interviewing is about as interesting as cuticle modeling competitions, and I've mastered the art of staring intently at the interviewers' eyes as their heads slowly blur into one, all-encompassing eye. I nod. I make sounds of acknowledgement at five-second intervals to give the impression that I'm sincerely contemplating every single thing this person is saying. I fight the profound desire to close my eyes for a few minutes. Let's face it though. Mr. Recruiter-man does the same thing the second I start opening my yapper. That's because he reminds himself that I would just be an intern. Hunting for a job through OCRS is like therapy for sadists. It almost seems like recruiters just wanted to hear me tell them why I'm worthless. We're all totally dishing out so much B.S. at these so-called "interviews" that it's become an accepted phenomenon. I'm surprised that any company can tell the difference between the 8:15 a.m. bullshit and the 1:30 p.m. bullshit. During my interview, I got so swept up by the spirit, I pooped my pants. And while OCRS has all the best intentions, I think I've learned that it's a long shot trying to make a bold statement about yourself in 30 minutes or less. Especially when it's for an internship. And so I guess this is why getting an internship is not about following the well-traveled path through on-campus recruiting, but is instead about the age-old means of personal contacts and cold calls. I'm going to stick to letters and envelopes. If prostitutes have been finding jobs for thousands of years without OCRS, then I think I can manage to find something for one lowly summer.

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