DP SWAMIS: The quotes are real. So are the turbans.

A quick Internet search for "bison" took our carpets on a fiberoptic jaunt. The first stop: The Maverick Ranch, Snake River, Idaho -- the official beef provider to U.S. Olympic athletes. What did this beef wholesaler tender, you may ask? As if its wares had been predestined by football fate, the first product presented for our palatal pleasure was the legendary "Philly Filet of Bison." Described by the Ranch mavericks as "an actual sandwich," the Philly Fillet features slices of buffalo -- "shaved, not shredded." The Mavericks spokesperson could not answer questions on the popularity of the product or its history. "You're just striking out with me," said a particularly flustered Maverick, who chose to remain anonymous. Unfortunately, the Mavericks led us astray. Philly Filet of Bison has nothing to do with the way the Quakers will filet the Bucknell Bison tomorrow. Sadly, we Swamis left Idaho in search of people who truly respect the bison -- Indians. So we went to Cleveland. Arriving at an empty Jacobs Field, we headed for the next best thing -- the Indians triple-A team. As if the gods of pigskin prognostication were playing a hand in our fate, we discovered the junior Indians were none other than the Buffalo Bisons! Parking our carpets outside the gates of North AmeriCare Park (not to be confused with its non-union cousin, South AmeriCare Park), we were greeted by the very voice of Bisons baseball, Jim Rosenhaus of WWKB 1520 AM. "Who put you up to this?" asked Rosenhaus. "Is this a joke?" Obviously, Rosenhaus, a Lafayette grad, knows that the Bucknell football team is good for little more than a few laughs. "[The Lafayette-Bucknell rivalry] was better in basketball than it was in football," Rosenhaus said. "We used to beat them up pretty good in football." Before we worked our way up to the Penn game, we warmed Rosenhaus up with a few questions about the rest of the Ancient Eight schedule. "Any school named after a toothpaste, well, you have to go with them," he said regarding the Colgate-Yale game. With Rosenhaus rolling, we popped the big question. Here it is, folks, straight from the Bison's mouth: "Penn should beat them." End of story.