COLUMN: A look into the crystal ball

From: Samara Barend's, "Verbal Ginseng," Fall '98 From: Samara Barend's, "Verbal Ginseng," Fall '98All those adhering to the notion that Penn is forever-boring should reflect upon this year's events -- a successive stream of debates, uprisings and controversies. Later in the semester, we learned about Mitch Marrow's failed plan for eligibility, which sparked fury among the athletic and academic communities and eventually forced Penn Football to forfeit most of its wins. This spring's Palestra shooting, in which College senior John La Bombard was shot in the leg while working inside the Blauhaus, left many students questioning the University's commitment to student safety. And most recently, the controversial Greek funding referendum incited a historic number of students to vote in the Undergraduate Assembly elections. While this year was marked by many notable events which riled and excited students, I can assure you that next year will be all that and more. Last weekend, I quenched my curiosity about Penn's forecast for next year by talking to one of the psychics stationed in Superblock for Fling festivities. Any naysayers of the mystical world out there would be interested to know that in previous years, this same psychic predicted the vending uprise, the creation of Sansom Common and the contentious UA Chair election (I really should have spoken with her sooner?). In terms of upcoming administrative actions, the psychic predicted that administrators would work with City Council to adopt anti-panhandling legislation. Consequently, students will no longer have to submit to pangs of guilt as they walk past the Wawa man or the little elementary students selling over-priced candy on the Walk. The psychic also claimed, but was not quite as certain, that, in an attempt to beautify campus, President Rodin will remove all fraternities from their houses and create open-air plazas where the brothers can congregate and throw parties. As part of the University's push to upgrade its recreational facilities, it will create basketball courts on top of Sansom Common. Unfortunately, the plans will be called off when a ball falls five stories to the street, hitting John LaBombard's unit. Incessant jack hammering and falling asbestos will end in Rosengarten, allowing it to once again become the de facto student union on campus for fraternity and sorority members. Penn students will never have any reason to leave campus with the opening of Xando in Sansom Common and the 24-hour diner on Walnut Street. I also inquired about the future of the Christian Association building on Locust Walk, which the University has been futilely negotiating for this entire year. To the dismay of University administrators, they will be out-bid by Hooters, Inc. Student involvement in campus affairs will also be equally interesting next year. According to the psychic, GAPSA will finally back down from its crusade to restore vending after a runaway truck hits one of its members. GAPSA will admit to administrators that perhaps their concerns over the "real danger" of vending trucks are actually well-founded. Much to Daily Pennsylvanian columnist Steve Schorr's chagrin, every campus group will have its own designated "chalk the walk" day, the Women's Center will likely expand its services and the United Minorities Council will be heralded as phenomenally representative of the minority groups on campus. Student Committee on Undergraduate Education Chairperson Rachael Goldfarb will announce the creation of a two-week-long Mitch Marrow preceptorial on sports ethics. And you'll actually get credit for it if you can secure a faculty member's approval. Owing to all of the construction in and around campus, the Reach-a-Peer Helpline will give out free hard hats to students rather than their usual mini-note pads. What about the UA? I was of course quite curious to know what will become of the Greek funding frenzy, which has generated so much student interest in the UA over the past two years. Evidently, the fraternities should enjoy their heyday of reign now, since next year they will likely be ousted by their fellow Greek females. According to the psychic, the Panhellenic Council will mobilize its sisterhood and gain a majority on the UA. Inspired by the "Women in Leadership" series, organized this year by a host of student leaders (including, conveniently, Panhel President Janelle Brodsky), the sororities will decide to take some initiative and gain major representation in student government. Instead of running to obtain Greek funding, however, sororities will promise to advocate the creation of a J. Crew in Sansom Common -- a priority for all Penn students. Many of you are probably still wondering what will become of the 40th Street development projects, the recreation facility plans, the Phi Sig house on Locust Walk and the College House system, not to mention whether or not hordes of black pants will continue to march across campus. Well I can't give everything away. All I can say is that you certainly have a lot to look forward to, for next year is going to be one to remember. It will undoubtedly be anything but boring.