COLUMN: Just call me your friendly liar: John Fry Trust Me

From: John Fry's, "Risky Business," Fall '97 From: John Fry's, "Risky Business," Fall '97This article appeared in the joke issue! From: John Fry's, "Risky Business," Fall '97This article appeared in the joke issue! For months everyone in the University community has been asking me if I was planning on outsourcing Dining Services and possibly other services at Penn. I'm the executive vice president and if I'm going to make the decision to have Marriott take over all of the food services and create mini-Chats in every single dorm I will (just kidding). But seriously. Since the DP has given me this space to speak freely to the University community, I've decided to address the top ten most common questions I've been asked since I started working here at Penn. But this time, I'll be totally and brutally honest with you. 10. Are you planning on buying anymore property for the University? I'm currently in the process of making a deal with Ed Rendell to buy all of the property between 33rd and 15th streets and Market and Spruce streets. Who needs all of those apartment buildings and Liberty Place when you can have Rendell Commons extending Penn's campus across the river. And we want to look more like Georgetown's M Street don't we? Just imagine all of the clean sidewalks and upscale retail we could have for Rendell Commons. It would be located across the river from the Bilsky Recreation Center where all students could work out, play basketball and go swimming for free. 9. Are you planning on outsourcing the Dining Services even if Cornyn Fasano doesn't recommend it in their report? Of course. Cornyn Fasano was just a pretense to make students think they were involved. Outsourcing is one of the best ways I can save money for Penn by hiring United Airlines to work the dining halls. Stouffer Express will serve little blue lunch boxes and, at 1920 Commons, students will have the choice of chicken or beef for dinner. I can't wait for all of the free tiny bags of peanuts. 8. Could Penn lower its tuition? In a second. It really only costs $3,542 to go to Penn anyway. We just don't want people to think we were cheaper than Penn State. Time magazine reporter Erik Larson was right. We don't spend more than 5 percent of our endowment because we're tightasses. And when you get people like Ron Perleman and Walter Annenberg to donate millions of dollars to your institution why bother using your cash in the bank? Besides, the tuition increase is going to fund my salary increase. 7. Will you incorporate suggestions made by employees on the benefits plan? Are you kidding? Professors, administrators and staffers don't have a clue on what is a good benefits plan. They've just been pampered for the past 20 years with all of the health care and summer work hours they get. Why would I want to listen to Paul Lukasiak rant and rave about how I'm cheating him and his co-workers on benefits? Just because he's right doesn't mean I'll change the plan for his bleeding liberal heart. 6. Is Penn planning on introducing any new security initiatives? The more guns the better, I say. I'm secretly planning to create an army for Penn to combat the crime in Philadelphia. Actually, the new officers are going to be used to protect Judy and myself from all of the screaming parents that accosted us during Homecoming. You never know when a platoon of Green Berets may come in handy. 5. Do you want to implode the high rises and/or demolish other dormitories? My grand master plan for the residences does not include blowing up the high rises because I think the area would be perfect for the new Engineering wind tunnel laboratory. I want to rename High Rise North, Hackney House. But the graduate towers are going to be knocked down to make way for more retail. Kings Court/English House will be renovated for classroom use by the Law School. Hill House will be the new Writer's House since we need to keep those crazy writers surrounded by a moat anyway. The Quadrangle will become a "wet" dorm since I want to drink at Fling, too. And all students affected by these plans will have to live in the Sheraton. I didn't spend $15 million on that heap of junk for nothing. 4. Did you write the Coopers and Lybrand report for Penn just so you could get a job here? Yes. Penn gives better benefits than Coopers and Lybrand. My children can come here for free. Not to mention they said they'd offer me a partnership if I whipped Penn into shape. 3. Do you like working with Judy? Are you kidding? She thinks she knows how to run a university -- announcing long-term strategic plans left and right. Like the Agenda for Excellence isn't anything but a load of bullshit. And that hairdo! What was she thinking? That it would make her look younger? I'm the one who knows how to make Penn successful. In two years, I'll have Penn running with a $100 million profit margin. Think of the stock options! And yes, I've slept with her, so stop bothering me about it! 2. Do you ever lie to the University community? Absolutely! All the time! 1. Have you ever been called The Fry Guy? Yes, but only by my mother.