LETTERS: Unnecessary semiautomatics

To the Editor: First, this change will reduce crime. Despite overwhelming evidence that felons do not consider potential retribution before committing their violent crimes, I think Penn's criminal community will now miraculously begin to respect the law and those who enforce it. They would never be so inconsiderate as to respond by equipping themselves with fully-automatic weapons, would they? Second, this upgrade will help the police better apprehend suspects. Just think how much faster PatrickLeroy's and Vladimir Sled's assailants would have been brought to justice had police later arrived on the crime scenes brandishing semiautomatics, not those useless revolvers. Third, this will make community members feel safer by helping us to identify dangerous people. Currently, we can only speculate as to who among us is carrying a firearm that has the potential to kill scores of people in just seconds. With this police weapons upgrade, we will be able to positively identify 80 such persons. Finally, our police force is grossly underfunded. With just 80 officers, a headquarters, a brand-new mini-station and automobiles that rival those seen during Parents' Weekend -- not to mention the extensive Spectaguard contingent -- we, students, simply aren't paying our share. Who needs smaller classes, more research grants and better dorms when we could be buying lots of shiny, new guns? As I try to pay off my college debt over the next decade, I'll just remind myself what a great contribution my tuition has made to the gun industry. University Police Cpl. Hugh McBreen summed it all up appropriately when he said "You never know when you're going to need [a semiautomatic firearm]." I know exactly when he'll need one: Never. Brendan McGeever College and Wharton '98