COLUMN: A suprising semester? Not really.

From Matthew Taff's, "My Dear Wormwood?,_ Fall '96 From Matthew Taff's, "My Dear Wormwood?,_ Fall '96 So, the last day of classes has finally arrived. Tomorrow, reading days begin, and on Friday, finals. For incoming freshmen and graduating seniors alike, this has been a semester full of surprises, both big and small. It's certainly been anything but boring. So, for my final words this year, I'd like to present Taff's List of the 10 biggest -- or smallest -- surprises at Penn this semester: 9. Republican presidential candidate Robert "Call me Bob" Dole is the only major candidate who fails to make a showing at Penn. What?! A grumpy old conservative candidate who wants to reduce student loans and eliminate the Department of Education isn't willing to show his face on our liberal campus? This was obviously the main cause of his defeat, and I'm sure somewhere in Russell, Kan., there's a voice that just keeps repeating "If only I had gone to Penn. If only I had gone to Penn?" 8. University President Judith "Call me Judy" Rodin announces that she wants to demolish the High Rises. This is clearly the result of a long-term conspiracy by Penn women. Don't believe me? I have a mathematical proof, relying on the well-known property of transitivity. It goes like this: High Rises = Wind Tunnel, Wind Tunnel = Bad Hair Day, therefore High Rises = Bad Hair Day. 'Nuff said. 7. The DP goes to full color. This, on the other hand, is clearly the result of a conspiracy by Penn men, led by Provost Stanley "That's Mr. to you" Chodorow. Guys, admit it. We all love those full-color Sports Page shots of super-hot tennis-playing freshman Anastasia Podzniakova. Coincidentally, the change came just in time to get that front-page shot of the unnamed Asian model who forgot her bra? 6. Columbia wins. The Lions, proud holders of the record for the greatest number of consecutive losses in NCAA football, defeats the Quakers, proud record holders of the record for the greatest number of consecutive wins in NCAA football. Ladies and Ggentlemen, it's official: We've entered The Twilight Zone. 5. The InterFraternity Council and Risk Management officials clash over frat party alcohol policies. Fraternities charge at the door. In Pennsylvania, this is illegal. Frats serve underage students alcoholic beverages. This is also illegal. Boy, I didn't see a fight coming here? This is kind of like everyone being surprised when Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease. 4. Early-decision applications for the Class of 2001 drop from last year's high. Forget Penn's stellar crime rate and the changes other top-notch universities made to their early admission policies; this is clearly the fault of our lower finish in the U.S. News and World Report college rankings. 3. New office space on the current Book Store site goes to Wharton instead of the Psychology Department. Gee, the Number One-rated business school gets taken better care of than one of the best departments in the College. Like we all didn't see that one coming. 2. The Red and Blue, in its first issue feature "What Ever Happened to Locust Walk?" decided it doesn't like the Women's Center. An ultra-conservative, psuedo-intellectual rag doesn't like the idea of an all-white, former fraternity house being taken over as a support center for women? Well, slap me silly? And the biggest surprise this semester at Penn? Yet again, white DP columnists who have never set foot inside it still don't like W.E.B. DuBois College House! Will all these surprises, who can say what the future holds for Penn? Who knows, but at least life here isn't boring.