Ivy Roundup: The "The Edition"

We here at Ivy Roundup are truly dedication personified. Rather than make an early break for home, we are spending our valuable time assembling the best and the worst (mostly the worst) of the zany world of Ivy football. A world so perverse that Penn actually lost some games this year. Really! So without further ado, here's what's you missed from the final week of Ancient Eight gridiron action. The "The Game" of the Week Every year since the beginning of time, Harvard and Yale have ended the football season by playing each other. Usually, this game means absolutely nothing, what with both teams sucking so bad and all. But this year, both squads entered the game with identical 1-5 records, meaning that "The Game" would determine the undisputed worst team in the Ancient Eight. This took on extra significance for Yale, since it was the last game for 347-year old coach Carm Cozza. Naturally the Elis wanted to send him off a loser. Harvard, though, was not going to let the Bulldogs get away that easy. In the early going, three Harvard players accidentally found themselves in possession of the ball in the end zone for a 21-0 halftime lead. Crimson coach Tim Murphy convinced his squad that they were in fact Harvard and should stop playing decent football. It worked as Yale charged back, closing the gap to five points. "One thing I know in the 32 years I've played against Harvard, I never had any luck," Cozza said. Luckily for Yale, they were able to avoid the game-winning touchdown, thus sending their coach off a loser. It brings a tear to Roundup's eye. The Friendly Swimmer of the Week While traversing the Northeast following our beloved Quakers, Roundup runs into many off-beat characters. The return trip after the 24-21 loss to Cornell was no exception. While enjoying a fine McDonald's meal near Allentown, Pa., we noticed some SUNY-Ithaca swimmers on the way back from Penn. An intrepid Roundup staffer, ever looking for a fresh perspective on Ivy football action, decided to get the opinion of "Mike", a sophomore Big Red fish. Specifically, why did the Cornell seniors rush onto Schoellkopf Field before the football game had ended. Roundup: Do you know what happened? Mike: No. Roundup: Well, you guys actually won, does that surprise you? Mike: Really? Is Penn good? Roundup: That's a hell of a question. But is Cornell good? Mike: Yeah, I think they're pretty good. Roundup: Do you guys consider Penn a big rival? Mike: For swimming, yeah. Roundup: At the end of the game, it was like Run-on-the-Field Day, but the Cornell people ran on the field too early -- does that surprise you? Mike: Does it surprise me? Umm, no. Why, what were the circumstances? Roundup: I guess they just couldn't read the clock. Is reading a problem at Cornell? Mike: Is it at Penn? Roundup: Not really, no. As always Roundup got the better of the exchange with Mikey screaming, "Get you scrawny-ass, Penn ass outta here" as we were leaving. The Princeton Loser of the Week There are so many Princeton losers that it may be an exercise in futility to bring them to you one at a time. Therefore, Roundup will continue to focus on the king of all Princeton losers -- supposed NFLer Keith Elias, he of the stupid hair. The former Tigers running back was in the news last week. In a story in Thursday's New York Post, the paper of record for Roundup, it was reported that "Elias today will undergo arthroscopic surgery on his right knee, perhaps signifying the end of his 1996 contributions." Our first reaction was the obvious one: Didn't his contributions end the same time they always do -- at the end of exhibition season? But after much brainstorming by the Roundup staff, it turns out Elias has indeed made an impact on the New York Giants this year. For example he: 1) Lets the coaching staff know if the benches are too cold. 2) Calls on years of experience to instruct newcomers to the Giants bench on the proper way to remove splinters from one's ass. 3) Refills Gatorade cooler. 4) Gives haircuts when a teammate loses a bet. We now devote the rest of Roundup to a complete listing of Elias's on-field "contributions": Happy Thanksgiving!