COLUMN: trading places with the pros

From Jason Brenner's, "Mu 20 Inches," Fall '96 From Jason Brenner's, "Mu 20 Inches," Fall '96 I'll be honest with you -- I've got a lot of free time and I don't know what to do with it. I'm currently seeking entry into the Guinness Book of World Records for watching the Mel Brooks' movie History of the World Part I more than any mortal ever to saunter across America's amber waves of grain. When taking time off from watching Mel's thought-provoking -- and historically accurate -- exposition, I engage in my other intellectually stimulating hobby: I wonder what would would happen if professional athletes switched roles with Penn students for just one day. The conclusions I have amassed might surprise you. According to my scientific studies, many athletes would have absolutely no problem acclimating to Penn's Ivy League atmosphere, despite spending years in a locker room where the most brain-teasing discourse involves discussions of last night's episode of Beavis and Butthead. Think for a moment about the similarities between professional athletes and Penn students. The average Penn student scores over 1300 on the SAT. The average professional athlete can spell SAT. Many professional athletes received their diplomas from that world-renowned academic institution we all lovingly refer to as Penn? State. Many others spent years studying in a different educational atmosphere: the State Penn. As you can see, the gap separating the typical Penn undergraduate from a high-paid sports star is actually quite small. We have much in common with professional basketball, baseball, water polo and football players, boxers, synchronized swimmers, curlers and underwater basket-weavers. When I sit in front of the TV watching ESPN2 at 3 a.m. -- since you can never watch enough stimulating jump rope championships and "Strongest Man in the World" contests -- I try to decide which professional athlete would truly succeed in the Penn environment. Some athletes, like mediocre Baltimore Orioles pitcher Randy Myers, would have no problem whatsoever if they transferred to the University. Myers, just like many upstanding members of our nearby community, has a bit of an affinity for heavy weaponry such as firearms, large knives and grenades. Allegations of engaging in relations with younger women constantly plague Atlanta Braves outfielder Luis Polonia. These alleged relationships often carry stiff penalties like monetary fines and time in the big house. I'm certain we can find a position at this University for Polonia. He could have some quality conversation with Wharton faculty members who have similar tastes in young women -- or boys. Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin missed a solid part of this year's football season when he was tried for cocaine use. What better job for Irvin than University President Judith Rodin's chauffeur, since her last one was fired after cops found pot in his private car? These three athletes would fit into our little West Philly community like the finest soft leather Rawlings glove on Cal Ripken Jr.'s agile hand. Others, however, might not fare so well. When all-star Orioles second baseman Roberto Alomar hocked a softball-sized goober into the face of umpire John Hirschbeck, I realized he might not represent the ideal Penn pupil. Picture this. Alomar packs his brown bag lunch since he can't bear the thought of eating at Dining Services, leaves his God-forsaken room in Hill House and walks to Meyerson Hall to attend his favorite class: Advanced Hebrew Composition and Conversation (AMES 059). Alomar's anxiously awaiting the return of his final exam, which represents a significant percent of his grade. This exam, which he studied more than 45 minutes for, carries great ramifications on whether he will be admitted to Harvard Medical School. Upon receiving a D+ on his exam, Alomar's hopes are shattered. He walks up to his professor to contest his grade. The professor refuses to discuss the issue, so Alomar plants a massive gob of salivary spew on his professor's forehead. Rather than receive a five-game suspension at the beginning of the next baseball season, Roberto would either a) pack his bags and head home to Puerto Rico or b) look up to see the professor's personal copy of the Old Testament come crashing down on his forehead. Despite the blatant similarities between professional athletes and Penn students, not every sports star would succeed in Penn's academically challenging environment. Could every one of the hundreds of football, basketball and baseball players excel in classes such as Mathematical Modeling and its Application in Finance (Operations and Information Management 653) and the perennial GPA-killer Introduction to Psychology (Psychology 001)? While I can't answer that question with any degree of certainty, there's one thing I can say for sure: I need a life.