The quotes are real. So are the turbans. Well, other than the Colgate football team, not a whole lot. Rarely has finding a topic for a clever Swamis column seemed so difficult. But late one night, while making use of our favorite dental care product, we noticed a little something on the back of the tube -- an address. Immediately, we fired up our rugs and headed for the aerial Jersey Turnpike and made our way towards Colgate World Domination Headquarters. Knowing of our greatness, they tried to give us the red carpet treatment, but we were having none of it. Those things don't even fly. After assuring them that this was not a medical emergency, we met our friendly greeter -- Barbara, an employee of the oral care giant for the last 10 years and an obvious football genius. At first, she was reluctant to grace the gods of pigskin prognostication with her Ivy League picks. "I can't, I really can't, I'm sorry," she pleaded. "Come on, they'll think you're working anyway," said we. "Alright, but can you promise me this will be over in 60 seconds?" the model employee asked. "We'll do our best," we replied. Having secured a minute of quality time with the Big B, we turned to this weekend's gridiron action. We took it from the top -- Penn and, her employer's namesake, Colgate. "I'm going to have to say Colgate," she chuckled. "How 'bout a score?" we queried. "I think, maybe, 2-8 -- does that make sense?" Babs said. It was now becoming clear that this was not Vince Lombardi's widow. In the Holy Cross-Princeton game Barbie went with the visiting Crusaders -- "my friend went there." Mrs. Football also took Cornell, using the same unbeatable logic: "Hey, a lot of people in my company went there." Rhode Island, Bucknell, Lehigh and Yale are also sure to come out on top, according to our resident expert. Rounding out the week's action, Barbara said, "I have to take Fordham" to win the Rumble in the Bronx with Columbia. Whatever. Before making our way back to our Safe West Philly Home, we got one last piece of advice from Captain Barbara, apparently directed toward the one and only Swami Cheesasaurus Rex, who is rumored to have bet all the DP's money on her selections. "I've had a really bad day -- if you win it'll be a miracle."
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