COLUMN: Trapped Behind the Clothing Rack

uncertain. Well, hello there. So glad you took time out from combing the classifieds to listen to my tale of woe. Yes, it is already early August, and instead of fantasizing about the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol arriving on my doorstep, I harbor the idealistic notion that tI will eventually land a decent summer job. But I've traveled this path before?flashback to sophomore year in high school when the words "15 years old" and "employable" did not go hand in hand. After being hired to work as a cOshier in a local pharmacy, I thought, "Hey, this will be a breeze. I'll be given the opportunity to chat with cute Haverford College guys while reading Seventeen magazine all day long." It turns out that my original plan failed to account for the masses of ancient, withered men screaming about he unintelligible directions on the Mylanta packets. "Okay," I thought, "I'll just sit tight until I turn sixteen, and then my worker's permit will be my ticket into a world of fulfilling employment." And so with the first sign of increased humidity and swarms of mosquitoes, I searched far and wide until an almighty force directed me toward my true calling -- retail! At The Maxx for the Minimum,T.J. Maxx, I actively embraced my impressive title of merchandise sales associate, with the special perks of unlimited access to the intercom, and a fifty-cent raise. But the grandeur eventually wore off with lugging around heavy racks of clothes and interacting with displeased, stodgy ladies in9e women's fitting room. Yes, my friend, I've done it all -- from chasing after terrifying toddlers at Har-Zion day camp to stumbling after evil shoplifters throughout King of Prussia mall, (a mere extension of my sales duties at Tape World). Yet I am not one of the privileged few who, upon returning home after a hard day's work, kick back, sigh and declare, "Today was satisfying, mentally stimulating, and I actually earned enough to afford a measly Gap tee!" Unfortunately, my work duties have not been an extension of my noble academic pursuits. While they partially finance my frequent mall excursions and occupy those long, lazy days separating the spring and fall semesters, my sociologicOl self has been largely denied in the workplace, except when I divert from Cocoa the Catipillar's autobiography in The Nature Company's story time hour in order to analyze the effects of childhood socialization on a youngster's attention span. Each summer I travel into the ever-so-competitive job market, armed with added education, job titles and references, and each time I am told that my skills are just a wee bit under par. I fill out that double-sided application with renewed hunger, endure the tedious interview process, and then just wait. And wait, and wait and wait! That "we'll call you" line gets old real fast once you've heard it twenty times and that phone just doesn't seem to be singing its familiar tune. Why can't they just let me know right off the bat? "Sorry, but you're not qualified, we don't' want you, so don't bother sitting idly by the phone for the next few days with an optimistic mind-set that will eventually be shattered with out implied rejection." That's it -- I've had it! No longer will I reduce myself to applying for positions where counting change is not a prerequisite, where the primary responsibilities include annoying customers with gift suggestions and organizing one-woman puppet shows for ungrateful children. However, tragically enough, I must accept my lot, for I am an 18 year-old college student with credit card bills and insurance payments dancing over my head and only two months to spare. So I admit it, I'm stuck in the retail rut, reduced to folding polos and organizing potpourri sections while life passes me by. But I figure that by the age of 21, When I have earned the right to flash my big fancy Penn degree, these uptight businesses will just be begging me to grace their workplace with my charming presence and innovative ideas. On second thought, all of my managers and most of my co-workers in my present retail adventure earned college degrees from respectable universities, and their road to upward mobility is virtually nonexistent. Hmm?Does anyone know if the Dress Barn is hiring?