IVY ROUNDUP: John Starks Edition

Yikes. We lost to Dartmouth. Here's Ivy Roundup: The Bandwagon Jumpers of the Week In sports, there is nothing worse than the fair-weather fan who jumps on the bandwagon when the local teams are good. At Dartmouth, however, there never is any fair weather -- but there still is a bandwagon. In the dank, dismal cage called the Leede High School Gym (er, Arena) -- a place that smells worse than the basement of Sigma Nu and has more chewing tobacco than the Kodiak farms -- two big, burly New Hampshire hicks, known in Hanover as Dartmouth students, decided to sit down right in front of the Roundup crew. Needless to say, we at Roundup were making enough noise and made enough Big Green players and zebras cry that even some of the lumberjacks were beginning to point their axes our way. So the two inbreeds came over to try to control us. With Dartmouth down by 10 at that point, the duo made it crystal clear that they were not Dartmouth fans by any means. As the Penn lead dwindled to two by halftime, however, the two fine college soon-to-be-dropouts were heavily involved in high-fiving all the other Big Green people -- especially the little four-year old girls sitting behind us. Fifteen beers, 10 Ira Bowman ranks, four mentions of Jerome Allen and a can of dip later, the Quakers were back up by seven. Sitting humbly in their seats, the two turned around to reaffirm their vows of not being Dartmouth fans. Yadda yadda yadda, Penn lost, and immediately the two green-clad students got up, yelled in our Roundup faces how much Penn sucked and how Dartmouth was awesome, then stormed the court along with their buddies. The Fine Dining of the Week Here's a wing ding that will make dining services happy. With Roundup sources enjoying the fine dining at the Class of 1920 Commons, a nasty rumor began to waft its way down toward our table: Villanova all-America candidate Kerry "Compared to Ray Allen I suck" Kittles was enjoying the cuisine with some friends. Besides the fact that he had to pay about 11 bucks for dinner, Kittles denied his identity. Obviously on scholarship, he failed to realize that he was wearing 'Nova sweats at the time. "No, no -- it's not me," he said. We played along anyway. With the big Wildcats-Quakers women's hoops matchup later that night, our source asked for his insight. "By the end of the night they're gonna be 0-17," KK said. Evidently, Kittles is possibly looking to transfer, as he's been hanging around West Philly quite a bit. Kittles was seen a week before his Dining Services appearance at a party -- wearing a 'Nova jersey complete with his name on it. The Statman III of the Week Look out Cambridge, Mass -- there is something to look forward to at Harvard basketball games. His name: Don Doyle. Statman II, the normal computing system for play-by-play press write-ups are no match for Mr. Doyle. Doyle adds his own (very) biased play-by-play, so we'll just let his writing speak for itself: First Half -- "16:06?Gilmore?absolutely en fuego, another almost three-pointer" "5:34?Bowman?three from nastyville" "2:58?Hill?three-point momentum-smasher from left wing" "1:29?Gilmore?short jumper off sweet head fake" Second Half: "14:30?Demian?right back atcha from right wing" "14:51?Krug?three-pointer from East Boston" "11:06?Gilmore?jumper in lane off awe-inspiring move" The Weenie Turns Meanie of the Week In 1988, a man graduated the University of Pennsylvania with honors rarely seen before. A former sports editor of the DP, Tom Hill turned into a Weenie the next year as he assumed the role of Executive Editor -- one of the few people in the 112 years of this paper to do so. So what is this man of fine clout doing these days? He's a sports writer for the New York "no, we're not bankrupt today!" Post. Covering the Knicks, Hill called up John Starks's parents to ask them about how Starks feels about his coach and lack of playing time. A few days later in practice, Starks threatened Hill -- which was published on at least five different pages in the Post. After all, why would a player, or anybody for that matter, call up your parents? We at Roundup tracked down Hill's parents in Locust Valley, Long Island. Unfortunately, they weren't in the house -- probably down in Florida. We did some super-investigative research, however, and did find out that Hill was referred to as the Punxatawny Kid and still has foreskin.