IVY ROUNDUP: Roundup honors the wildest and wackiest of the Ivies

It is with heavy hearts and tears in our eyes that we here at Roundup officially bring to a close this 1995 Ivy League gridiron season by presenting our year-end awards, the Mishkins. For you readers that forget the great Mr. Mishkin for whom these glorious honors are named, let us just say that he was a man who could dig up more gossip than Liz Smith, a man who possessed more knowledge about bar fights than Dr. Ferdie Pacheco, and, most importantly, a man who could insult more people than Howard Stern. In short, he was a man we all emulate and measure ourselves against day in and day out here at Roundup headquarters. So, without further ado, let us commence. Try to hold back the tears. This is an emotional time for us all. Family Man of the Year The Roundup family values department would like to take a moment to salute Eric Keck. The 27-year old general studies student and nose tackle for the Columbia Sky Blue Panzies goes home from practice every day to change the diapers of his young daughter, Zion. We applaud that commitment to the young'uns, but Roundup's name experts have to question the Kecks' decision. Zion? Let's just say it wouldn't be at the top of our list. Seriously, when the poor kid's teacher scrolls down the roll sheet the first day of kindergarten, young Zion will have to raise her hand after, "Keck -- Ms. Zion Keck." It's stuff like that which causes serious psychological damage. But, then again, so does playing football at SUNY-Harlem. Jim McGeehan of the Year Award Sadly but truly, there were no Jim McGeehans active in the Ivies this season, so the award stays with Penn's former record-setting signal caller, Jim McGeehan. McGeehan, who has held the trophy in all three years of its existence, was unavailable for comment. Bar Fight of the Year You kids ain't gonna believe this one: A guy named Bourbeau (pronounced BAR-bow) went to his favorite bar to have a few Buds with his buds and got into a spat at Spat's. According to inside Roundup sleuths working deep deep deep under cover in Providence, R.I., a trio of Brown football gridders including Jon Bourbeau went to their favorite Providence watering hole to grow out their hair (more on Brown hairstyles later) and enjoy a few frothy beveragi earlier this season. Josh, as one of our "journalists" is known professionally, informed Roundup headquarters that Mr. Bourbeau, accompanied by teammates Joe Karcutskie and Jon Miller, had a little disagreement with some Rhode Island Yocals. Our source indicated that things got pretty ugly and the yocals (read: white trash) went home with a worse loss than the Bears have seen in years. Considering the Quakers whacked the lowly off-colored Bears to the tune of 58-21 in October, that must have been quite a bruising. The case will stand trial in the Providence courts in the upcoming days. Roundup's jurisprudence experts are under the impression that aggravated assault charges are being pressed. Original reports that the suspects fled Spat's in a white Bronco have since been proven false, as has the alleged assertion that Bears coach Mark Whipple will head the defense team. Anyone that knows anything about Ivy football should know the Brown coaching staff knows absolutely nothing at all about defense. Speaking of Brown, these kids are really freaky. And since we here at Roundup try not to be shortsighted or prejudiced in any way, we would like to take a moment to share some fairly amusing tidbits about football as they know it elsewhere on the globe. Since our friends in Providence (that New England town with the lovely statehouse) seem to have given up on producing a real team in any sport that matters, the Bears have committed trillions of dollars (by Roundup calculations anyway)to building the nation's preeminent soccer program. Since we're assuming you turned straight to this fine section of the paper this morning, we'll enlighten you that the Bears kickers have made the NCAA quarters in soccer (see back page). Not bad, considering they play in brown uniforms. But, either this success, or the inhaling of special herbs and spices, (Roundup forensic experts weren't really sure which) has gotten to their heads. In an exclusive interview, of which Roundup received a copy, Bears star John Beck sounded like Candide in a candid chat about why the Bears were hesitant to trim their flowing locks. "It seems like we're cutting away too many things these days, like cutting down trees. We shouldn't have to cut anything, except maybe, chaparral to make the land fertile? "If an organism is to function efficiently, each individual tissue must essentially surrender its ego in devotion to the survival of the whole. The team's effort of love must come from the heart." Naturally. Due to this abridged space provided by the courtesy of our fine production staff, Roundup has to bid you faithful readers adieu. Not for another long nine months can we reexamine the wacky, wild and wooly world of Ancient Eight gridiron action. To those Tigers fans out there: Enjoy that crown while you have it. It won't be long. And thank the Quakers every day for kicking Cornell's ass. Without us, your late season gagging would have cost you another title. Don't worry, we'll be back. Plus it's hoops season. That crown ain't goin' nowhere fast. You can send that in -- no, no, that's our bad. Ira can send it in.

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