Penn Jew to replace Quaker as new school mascot

The Pennsylvania Quaker will be trading in her velvet robe and hat for a talis and a yarmulke next season. Cheerleading coach Marci Sartor announced last night that the Quaker is going to be replaced by a new mascot -- the Penn Jew. Sartor said this decision came after her squad pointed out to her that the current mascot "was no longer an accurate representation of the student body." "There aren't as many Quakers around here as there used to be," she said. "But there are certainly a lot of Jews." Sartor said the new mascot will be slightly different than the Quaker. Some of the suggestions on the table include throwing gelt into the stands to improve fan morale, wearing the Hebrew letter chai around his neck and waving a Torah at the other team, she added. As a result of this new mascot, the overall athletic schedule must be adjusted, Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. "Since we have a Jew representing us, it would almost be a sin not to observe the Sabbath," he said. "So we will be playing our football games on Sundays instead." And one of the University's longest standing traditions -- the throwing of the toast -- will be changed, he added. "We thought it would be a nice gesture to change it to matzah," Bilsky said. "Or at least challah." He added that he is toying with the idea of hiring vendors to sell kosher hot dogs and potato latkes during the game. Hillel Director Jeremy Brochin said he was very pleased with the decision to change the mascot. "Mazel tov to the athletic department for finally giving our people the recognition they deserve," he said. And University President Judith Rodin said she was "thrilled to death that the University will be represented by one of the tribe." But not everyone is happy with the new mascot. "Oy vey," Provost Stanley Chodorow said. "What will they think of next?"