Brian Upbin: The Crazy Caribou

For three years he has been the heart and soul of a team that has dominated its conference. He has given an effort comparable to that of Notre Dame's infamous Rudy Ruettigger. He is known to millions by the number 77 on the back of his dirt-covered, blood-stained jersey. His teammates see him as a role model. His admirers simply call him Bruno. His given name is Brian Upbin. His upraising in Alaska by a herd of wild caribou taught him to be a survivor. He was never one of the group. He was always the outsider. But Brian Upbin's perseverance taught him how to catch a fish in his mouth when he was hungry and how to run like the wind when he was being hunted. These animal instincts turned him into the legend he now is. Upbin's Carabouian father summarized his adopted son's development as a member of the herd when he said, "Ahroooooooah." His sacred Caribou lover Ara also whaled in, "I love chicken." When he arrived at his first lightweight football practice, unable to speak any English, his teammates shunned him. They would say things like, "I don't want to snap the ball to caribou." But Bruno soon gained respect when he showed his extraordinary punting ability by tearing the cover off the pigskin during that first practice. His ox-like stature enabled him to take on a second role as star offensive lineman, a position in which he compiled 57 of his trademark "ice-breaker" blocks. Meanwhile, he led the nation in punting -- knocking 17 kicks straight out of the stadium. Due to his Bo Jackson-like success on the field, Upbin was also named Sigma Nu president and UPMUNC Secretary General and became the resident expert in the Crane game. Both organizations already had Penn Caribou as members, so Bruno felt right at home. "Bruno was strange. He only ate fish, listened to Hip Hop It Don't Stop and slept in the freezer," Upbin's former roommate Michael Kohn said. "His long distance bill was outrageously high. But he was also a competitor. He felt at home playing Sega Ice Hockey." After dominating the lightweight arena and NHL '93 for three years, it is now time for the all-time great to move up in weight class. As of the start of spring practice today, Bruno will be practicing with the heavyweights. Upbin is well aware that moving up will be an enormous adjustment, but he has added 200 pounds of muscle to smooth the transition. "I've always known I had the ability to be the best combination punter and offensive lineman in the Eastern Hemisphere," he said. Now, I have a chance to show everybody once and for all that I am the greatest. Wah! Wah! I proclaim today to be forever known as Brian Upbin day." With the departure of fellow Sigma Nu punter Tim Henwood to graduation, Penn coach Al Bagnoli is anxious to get a first-hand look at Bruno's astonishing physique. "I heard he has muscles popping out of places I didn't even know exist," a stunned Bagnoli said. "All I can say is today is a giant step for our program. It isn't often that an Ivy League school can land a star the caliber of Brian Upbin." Upon graduation, the nursing student has no plans to play in the NFL (unless of course he is drafted by the Vikings). "Money means nothing to me," the great one said. "I just want to run with the caribou."