DP SWAMIS

Time for your favorite turban-donning, carpet-riding, undefeated pigskin prognosticators to pimp our exclusivity and accept the most creative of bribes for our farewell week. It is time to include those who do not have the eternal wisdom, the soft turban-rubbing touch, or the prognostication prowess -- but do have money, edibles or pin-ups to share with us grandiose grandfathers of the gridiron. Although the Swami clan was heartbroken that legendary defensive guru Mike Toop did not offer his moustache in exchange for honorary Swamidom, we did receive a full gamut of -- oh, shall we say -- materialistic influences. Let us start with one person who truly insulted us omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent masters of the Ancient Eight. Some freshman freak, Hamilton S. Miller of West Hartford, Conn., sent us a blank check -- signed and everything. At first, this piqued the interest of Swami letter openers. Upon closer examination, though, we noticed good old Hamilton dated the aforementioned demand deposit Dec. 37, 1924, and tried to cross out his first name and the code numbers at the bottom. What an @#$! Not only was our diapered friend shunned from Swamidom, but we will hunt him down at his little quad abode in Speakman. Moving to some of our worshippers who truly impressed the Swami judges. The most impressive effort to placate us living legends undoubtedly came from a Weenie. As much as this surprised us, we Swamis have to give credit where credit is due. Young Amy Lipman came up, well -- Big Time. Lipman got her hands on exclusive photos from DP Executive Editor Jordana Horn's summer excursion to the South of France. It seems as though Ms. Horn was obviously missing former boss Stephen Glass. Lipman's football knowledge may not be as good as her investigative reporting, but we won't hold that against her. Picks included the Ivy-champion Quakers, the Sky Blue Panzies, Yale and those people up at Old Nassau. In another solid effort, Mike Tuhy earned his weekly turban by realizing the love all Swamis share for Chinese food. Despite being a little wacky on the junk, the 34th Street icon pranced into Swami headquarters, took Swami orders, boarded his rented magic carpet, and returned with massive portions of sesame chicken and chicken fried rice. Tuhy's virgin Swami selections: Red and Blue, SUNY-Harlem, the Tigers and Harvard. One of Tuhy's esteemed colleagues on our beloved Thursday rag, Alan Sepinwall, earned his Swami stripes with an exceptional letter of intent. Noting that the Swamis are indeed "Penn's true elite" (everyone knows that but it still massages our Swami egos to hear it), and saying that he may have to transfer to Princeton if he is not chosen clinched it for him. The Swami clan would not wish that harm on anyone -- not even Hamilton. After all, as Alan realizes, Princeton sucks. He chose Penn, Not Brown, Yale and Dartmouth. In a final note, the Swamis were interested if Ms. Horn would be interest in a full-time position -- any position.