COLUMN: A Little Ivy League Hell For You

From Shawn Klein's "Cunning Linguistics," Fall '94 A goddamn gang. Have you seen the new drug dealer on the corner of Locust and 40th streets? Big fat white guy with a mustache asking under his big fat breath if I "Need anything? Hash? Quaaludes?" That might make some of you Captain Crunches "light up" with glee (I'm addressing you people who dress up as "marijuana" for Halloween), but I'm a NIMBY kind of guy. I can't leave my house on 41st without seeing a cop car whizzing by to the nearest scene of the crime. I'm glad they're on their way but, on the other hand, I'm not. New emergency phones are being placed on more corners. I guess that's good too. But why the hell should I have to use one? Read the headlines ever? Cops found a pound of crack and three automatic weapons a couple of blocks from campus. For four years I've read the Deepee. That was the scariest thing I ever read. Everyone feels how bad it is. I don't think anyone was surprised by the massive increases in assaults and weapons offenses from last year to this. And you can just feel the situation getting worse. Closer and closer to hell. This neighborhood should be penalized five yards for encroachment and then ejected from the field for unsportsman-like conduct. And more incidents can only happen again. It's inevitable. But thankfully (and for some reason, surprisingly) the University is on the verge of taking what could be real steps to fight crime. Luckily, it's being done before one of these self-appointed Boba Fett proteges mows down five students at once because the driver of the car he was in hit a rare bump on a West Philly roadway while he had his TEC-9 aimed out the window. The new "Master Plan" for security will soon be finished and the school should be applauded for finally making a definitive proactive effort to address the crime problem. One of the interesting options on the table is the use of "technology." What exactly could this consist of? A company called Secure System Inc. based in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, has an answer. In a nutshell, Secure System has the capacity to provide each and every student with a transmitter the size of a car alarm. Tiny antennas placed around campus would create a grid formation encompassing as large an area as necessary. When a student is assaulted either outside or indoors, (how do those bums keep getting in the Quad?) gets into an accident or is ever in need of help, he or she can press the alarm and a signal would be sent straight to the police department. A sophisticated computer system would then give the exact location and name of the student in duress, in addition to any desired demographic information like a previous medical condition. The cops would be there in seconds. Four schools including the Universities of Scranton, Oklahoma, Bridgeport (which is in an even worse area than Penn and -- according to Dave Dorlen of Secure System -- has seen its attendance drop from 8000 to 1600 as a result of its crime problem) and the University of Massachusetts Medical School have all been using this system with highly satisfactory results. There have even been incidents where cops have arrived at the scene of the crime while it was in progress. Sounds pretty unbelievable. Must be expensive. Our school certainly couldn't afford a system like this. No way. We need our money to throw big, cool parties celebrating the success of our $1.3 billion fund raising efforts. And we have to be able to supply, whenever necessary, huge, ornate celebrations with nifty baggy lunches for our incoming presidents. Just think, great big tents with cool balloons in our school colors! (Okay, so I wasn't invited to that Penn Fund thing but neither were you.) But it's actually pretty inexpensive for the University to purchase the system. It would cost the school nothing. Only we student fodder would pay a charge of $75 per semester. (Of course, that's if the school really wanted to be cheap and refused to foot the bill.) That's all. How could the school turn down a chance for real security like this? It's hard to imagine feeling safe walking around Penn. I can only say it's too bad that I won't be here to see it, unless I get into the Med School. (hint, hint) When I contacted University Police Commissioner John Kuprevich to ask him to comment on Secure System, all he would say was that he was aware the system existed. He called it a "natural progression of technology" from our blue light phones but he would not comment on whether the school was going to implement it. Well, I really hope it does. Secure System Co. (I get paid only a small commission for the plug) sounds like it has a viable alternative. There's no down side. Even if it doesn't work here, we could just return to sender. So when the Master Plan is made ready for public comment, make sure we get a chance at real security. It's either that, or we all get hand cannons. Shawn Klein is a senior Biological Basis of Behavior major from Livingston, New Jersey. Cunning Linguistics appears alternate Fridays.