Touring the sites on Long Island

Before the game, visit L.I.'s finest Isn't it fitting that Penn's road to the Final Four starts on Long Island? According to our records, there has never been a greater homecourt advantage in the history of the NCAA Tournament -- for the fans. In fact, further records have illustrated that more than one third of your fellow Quaker brethren were born closer to the Nassau Coliseum than their current residence is from the Palestra. Wow! Not all of us were lucky enough to be in Amy Fisher's kindergarten class or take our parents' BMW to be fixed at Joey Buttafuoco's Complete Auto Body, however. So, hopefully this can serve as an entertainment guide for the rest of you during your stay on Long Island. Before we get started, though, a few words from Nebraska coach Danny Nee, "Long Island is not like [New York] City. You have Disney World and then you have the real world." Man, this is the worst blow for Mickey Mouse since Nancy Kerrigan called their tryst the "corniest thing I've ever done." A certain prerequisite for any fan at the Big Dance is obviously learning to dance. To tune up on your ballroom dancing and prepare for the celebration after the Quakers secure their reservations in Miami, we would suggest Confetti's Dance Club in Jericho. Unfortunately, nobody there was available for comment, but they did have an impressive ad in the yellow pages. A brief stop by Confetti's is recommended if you don't want to look like Yoda on the Jadwin sidelines during your Sportscenter highlight. Speaking of highlights, the Island's malls put South Jersey's to shame. (Roosevelt Field is our personal recommendation.) See as many as you can during your brief visit. We're talking quality and quantity here. Not only are there three malls for each of the 72 exits on the Long Island Expressway, but every one comes outfitted with its own posse of mall chics -- yep, the hair spray, press on nails and extra makeup are included. If you get lucky, you'll meet a gal who was in one of those Amy Fisher movies. If you get really lucky, she'll be named Tonya. But, to fully absorb all this Long Island culture, you may want to pick up one of those little yellow Random House Long Island dictionaries. The local dialect is a tough one, and we wouldn't want you to misinterpret anything your new friends at the mall are saying. If you are unable to find a full dictionary, at least stop at Long Island tourist information on the Southern State Parkway for a pronunciation guide. At all costs, make sure you blend in with the locals. Unfortunately, the malls may not be quite as active as they normally are because of the poor timing of March Madness. Inside sources have informed us that many of the regulars have disappeared to Daytona or Cancun in an effort to improve their status upon next week's rendezvous back at the Hauppauge TCBY. In case spring comes early, everyone whose American Express bill wasn't large enough to earn them a free flight to the tropics will be hoping to be seen at Jones Beach. Be very careful, though. The excessive use of hair spray has severely damaged the ozone layer, and you will burn -- no, you will gain status very quickly. If you don't get lucky at the malls or the beach, however, don't worry. All is not lost. In honor of the beloved Quakers and their fans, Oriental Escorts, located in nearby Queens, is considering a special March Madness group rate for Thursday and Saturday night. "I don't know for sure if we're going to do anything special," Giovanna, the receptionist, said. "But, we're excited to have the tournament nearby." That's not all Giovanna's excited about. Unfortunately for the Quakers, a report that Giovanna had been seen "husking" Nebraska swingman Eric Piatkowski was later revealed as false. We weren't really sure what "husking" exactly referred to anyway. It wasn't even in our dictionary. Our only guess was that it was one of the "farcical felonies or maniacal misdemeanors" that Newsday columnist Marilyn Goldstein said Long Island was home to. For those of you who are missing the intellectual environment of a college campus, do not fret. Near Nassau Coliseum itself are both Hofstra and Nassau Community College. Before you think any further about transferring, we would like to warn you that Nassau Community College, located on Hempstead Turnpike, is cross-listed in your Long Island dictionaries as Turnpike Tech. (This place makes Drexel students foam at the mouth.) If you get really lucky, you may be able to catch the aforementioned mallgoers "cruisin' the pike." But, fair warning: cruisers are usually relegated to such status because their fake ID was confiscated again. In case none of these suggestions works out for you, we would like to offer a few last ditch suggestions for anyone who's looking to start a fight with the locals. If a bar fight is your thing, walk around in a Rangers jersey screaming "Beat your wife Potvin, beat your wife." Yeah, the guy's been retired for a few years now, but legends die hard in these places. The only real team on the Island is the Islanders (original) and the next closest team is the Mets. If you had to root for these teams, you'd be hanging on to memories as well. The best way to get slapped at the mall is to just keep saying, "Aw ma gawd." No, sorry -- that's the best way to fit in at the mall. As a last resort, if you absolutly can't find anything to do, you could always go visit Amy in jail. But if you go, send our love. And bring your Visa card...because Amy doesn't take American Express.