SOCIETY:

If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw: If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.DANCE, FATBOY, DANCE: Penn's own celebrity, Jeff Cohen (Chunk from Goonies, now in Phi Delt) was hanging out all over the place at the Myriad party. During "Dance Your Pants Off" he was seen on onstage with his jeans around his ankles, redoing his infamous "Truffle Shuffle." Let's just say Sloth was more receptive than the Rolling Rock, plaid-shirt-tied-around-waist, dirty-white-baseball-cap crowd.If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.DANCE, FATBOY, DANCE: Penn's own celebrity, Jeff Cohen (Chunk from Goonies, now in Phi Delt) was hanging out all over the place at the Myriad party. During "Dance Your Pants Off" he was seen on onstage with his jeans around his ankles, redoing his infamous "Truffle Shuffle." Let's just say Sloth was more receptive than the Rolling Rock, plaid-shirt-tied-around-waist, dirty-white-baseball-cap crowd.HEAD CLEANER: Leave it to AEPi bros to sniff out the latest 'trend of the day' drug. The new favorite: cyclo-hexyl-nitrate (that's VCR headcleaner to the less cutting-edge among us). "Rush," as they cleverly call it, is supposed to be like a "2-minute long whippit." Well, only if you do it right. The lab rats were so eager to give it a whirl they smeared themselves with the stuff, and were pukin' the night away. You know what they say: better living through chemistry. If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.DANCE, FATBOY, DANCE: Penn's own celebrity, Jeff Cohen (Chunk from Goonies, now in Phi Delt) was hanging out all over the place at the Myriad party. During "Dance Your Pants Off" he was seen on onstage with his jeans around his ankles, redoing his infamous "Truffle Shuffle." Let's just say Sloth was more receptive than the Rolling Rock, plaid-shirt-tied-around-waist, dirty-white-baseball-cap crowd.HEAD CLEANER: Leave it to AEPi bros to sniff out the latest 'trend of the day' drug. The new favorite: cyclo-hexyl-nitrate (that's VCR headcleaner to the less cutting-edge among us). "Rush," as they cleverly call it, is supposed to be like a "2-minute long whippit." Well, only if you do it right. The lab rats were so eager to give it a whirl they smeared themselves with the stuff, and were pukin' the night away. You know what they say: better living through chemistry. TONGUE-TIDE: Who says engineers are boring? After a shindig last Friday, Beta Engineering junior Gary Kaplan was gettin' it on with a visiting Johns Hopkins Blue Jay. Remembering that liquid Tide glows in black light, he decorated her torso with extra-strength stain-fightin' power. Unfortunately, when the situation got sloppier, Kaplan got a mouthful of the glistening goo, leaving a bad taste in his mouth (not to mention an unsightly rash) come morning.If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.DANCE, FATBOY, DANCE: Penn's own celebrity, Jeff Cohen (Chunk from Goonies, now in Phi Delt) was hanging out all over the place at the Myriad party. During "Dance Your Pants Off" he was seen on onstage with his jeans around his ankles, redoing his infamous "Truffle Shuffle." Let's just say Sloth was more receptive than the Rolling Rock, plaid-shirt-tied-around-waist, dirty-white-baseball-cap crowd.HEAD CLEANER: Leave it to AEPi bros to sniff out the latest 'trend of the day' drug. The new favorite: cyclo-hexyl-nitrate (that's VCR headcleaner to the less cutting-edge among us). "Rush," as they cleverly call it, is supposed to be like a "2-minute long whippit." Well, only if you do it right. The lab rats were so eager to give it a whirl they smeared themselves with the stuff, and were pukin' the night away. You know what they say: better living through chemistry. TONGUE-TIDE: Who says engineers are boring? After a shindig last Friday, Beta Engineering junior Gary Kaplan was gettin' it on with a visiting Johns Hopkins Blue Jay. Remembering that liquid Tide glows in black light, he decorated her torso with extra-strength stain-fightin' power. Unfortunately, when the situation got sloppier, Kaplan got a mouthful of the glistening goo, leaving a bad taste in his mouth (not to mention an unsightly rash) come morning.ZBT FIGHT OF THE WEEK: Place: SDT at Ulana's. Time: Thursday. Opponent: SAM. Punches Thrown by Adam Tuckman: 2. Punches landed by Adam Tuckman: 0. Net exchange of gold chains: 29. Season record: ZBT (1-3). SAM (0-1).If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.DANCE, FATBOY, DANCE: Penn's own celebrity, Jeff Cohen (Chunk from Goonies, now in Phi Delt) was hanging out all over the place at the Myriad party. During "Dance Your Pants Off" he was seen on onstage with his jeans around his ankles, redoing his infamous "Truffle Shuffle." Let's just say Sloth was more receptive than the Rolling Rock, plaid-shirt-tied-around-waist, dirty-white-baseball-cap crowd.HEAD CLEANER: Leave it to AEPi bros to sniff out the latest 'trend of the day' drug. The new favorite: cyclo-hexyl-nitrate (that's VCR headcleaner to the less cutting-edge among us). "Rush," as they cleverly call it, is supposed to be like a "2-minute long whippit." Well, only if you do it right. The lab rats were so eager to give it a whirl they smeared themselves with the stuff, and were pukin' the night away. You know what they say: better living through chemistry. TONGUE-TIDE: Who says engineers are boring? After a shindig last Friday, Beta Engineering junior Gary Kaplan was gettin' it on with a visiting Johns Hopkins Blue Jay. Remembering that liquid Tide glows in black light, he decorated her torso with extra-strength stain-fightin' power. Unfortunately, when the situation got sloppier, Kaplan got a mouthful of the glistening goo, leaving a bad taste in his mouth (not to mention an unsightly rash) come morning.ZBT FIGHT OF THE WEEK: Place: SDT at Ulana's. Time: Thursday. Opponent: SAM. Punches Thrown by Adam Tuckman: 2. Punches landed by Adam Tuckman: 0. Net exchange of gold chains: 29. Season record: ZBT (1-3). SAM (0-1).ZBT INFIGHTING OF THE WEEK: There's nothing like the unity of a fraternity, just ask Penn's closest group – the boychiks of ZBT. Who would be willing to sacrifice for the brotherhood like sophomore Dave Selvers? In an act of supreme virtue (can you say "revenge"?), Selvers called up with a story about his brother and compadre Pete Weidman that emphasized the phrase "Bonin' doggy style, he puked on her back," about Weidman's girlfriend, Jaqui Mandelbaum. But Selvers benevolently recognized he was selling out his bro and quickly retracted the lie. Once again, ZBT, if you can't run with the big dogs, you might as well stay on the porch. If ya ain't hear-ed by now, I done got me a new job. Yea, my knee got busted, and my buddy Vonn hooked me up with this sweet little number as social watchdog of the Ivy League. And frankly, I'm just appalled. I came heah reckonin' that y'all were goin' to be into book-larnin'. Well, heck. Y'all are downright unruly as a bunch o' sows in heat by the time the weekends roll around. Ya just cuss and drink and fornicate your lives away. This stuff just didn't happen back at Brigham Young. Just take a gander at some of these im-pro-pry-ities I saw:TABARD MISHAP: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Pity the poor Tabard Society -- "If we throw it, they will come," they used to say. But when the Tab sisters decided to throw last Thursday's bash at the Chestnut Cabaret, they took one step closer to social Siberia. Seems that the ever market-wise sistahs decided to forgo a band, drink specials, anything, and instead offer the public an evening with their charming personalities (though the misspelled 6 'ducket' cover charge was a classy application of their grammar skills). Well, if it didn't attract pledges, it sure isn't going to attract many party-goers. LET'S MAC OFF: Birthday girl Jennifer "It's my party and I'll scam if I want to" Finkel got just about everything she wanted. But she didn't get the play she was looking for-- not at first, anyway. But, as they say, wishes do come true, and on the way home, her close friend introduced her to Richard "right place at the right time" Zexler at the Locust St. MAC machine at 3 a.m. She laid down some quick ground rules between the total strangers and the two raced off to knock some birthday boots. Seems blowing out the candles was just the evening's opening number. A CHI O-VER 6'2": The women of AChiO are known for two things: uncanny athletic prowess and and uncompromised talent for swallowing (sour cream, that is). At their date party-cum-free-for-all at the Gulf Coast last Thursday, the Amazon Chi O's didn't mess around-- no music, no dancing, just good old fashion cruditZ, dips, and beer. Not long into the evening the female Fiji's huddled around the food, leaving their dates to a lonely night of stale beer.WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID: Those ever-crafty Phi Sig sisters decided they couldn't trust their dates to stay put at their Date Dash. So they packed them onto a school bus and shipped the crew off to the ever-classy Chuck E. Cheese. Though under lockdown for a long evening, the dates were treated to beer and free tokens before indulging mild fetishes in the ball bins. Maybe the nostalgia was too much for those not-yet-grown up.DANCE, FATBOY, DANCE: Penn's own celebrity, Jeff Cohen (Chunk from Goonies, now in Phi Delt) was hanging out all over the place at the Myriad party. During "Dance Your Pants Off" he was seen on onstage with his jeans around his ankles, redoing his infamous "Truffle Shuffle." Let's just say Sloth was more receptive than the Rolling Rock, plaid-shirt-tied-around-waist, dirty-white-baseball-cap crowd.HEAD CLEANER: Leave it to AEPi bros to sniff out the latest 'trend of the day' drug. The new favorite: cyclo-hexyl-nitrate (that's VCR headcleaner to the less cutting-edge among us). "Rush," as they cleverly call it, is supposed to be like a "2-minute long whippit." Well, only if you do it right. The lab rats were so eager to give it a whirl they smeared themselves with the stuff, and were pukin' the night away. You know what they say: better living through chemistry. TONGUE-TIDE: Who says engineers are boring? After a shindig last Friday, Beta Engineering junior Gary Kaplan was gettin' it on with a visiting Johns Hopkins Blue Jay. Remembering that liquid Tide glows in black light, he decorated her torso with extra-strength stain-fightin' power. Unfortunately, when the situation got sloppier, Kaplan got a mouthful of the glistening goo, leaving a bad taste in his mouth (not to mention an unsightly rash) come morning.ZBT FIGHT OF THE WEEK: Place: SDT at Ulana's. Time: Thursday. Opponent: SAM. Punches Thrown by Adam Tuckman: 2. Punches landed by Adam Tuckman: 0. Net exchange of gold chains: 29. Season record: ZBT (1-3). SAM (0-1).ZBT INFIGHTING OF THE WEEK: There's nothing like the unity of a fraternity, just ask Penn's closest group – the boychiks of ZBT. Who would be willing to sacrifice for the brotherhood like sophomore Dave Selvers? In an act of supreme virtue (can you say "revenge"?), Selvers called up with a story about his brother and compadre Pete Weidman that emphasized the phrase "Bonin' doggy style, he puked on her back," about Weidman's girlfriend, Jaqui Mandelbaum. But Selvers benevolently recognized he was selling out his bro and quickly retracted the lie. Once again, ZBT, if you can't run with the big dogs, you might as well stay on the porch.All names vacuum packed for extra freshness.