COLUMN: Advice for the Ill-advised

From Jillian O'Connor's "You're Nothing But a Pack of Cards!," Winter '94 From Jillian O'Connor's "You're Nothing But a Pack of Cards!," Winter '94Today I have decided to respond to just a few of the many advice requests that I have recently received from the overwhelmingly intelligent, informed, and always inspired University Community. Dear Jill: Oh my god! I am, like, so bitter! Smoke's has just been so completely lame lately! What CAN I do instead? -Jen Dear Jen: You are so not psyched. Next thing you know, "My Favorite" will stop serving low-fat Boston Creme Muffins. I suggest you try chilling with a forty of Colt. Dear jilloco: i am completely addicted to news groups. it has become my entire *social life*. How can i stop? : ) -slugh@mail.seas Dear Slugh: Well, if these newsgroups have indeed become the entirety of your social life, allow me to suggest that it was never quite a vital force to begin with. Slowly weaning yourself off by exclusive reading of such fascinating groups as alt.animals.lampreys and alt.xerox.machines is the route I suggest. Dear Jill: The big celebration for cancer and bash for Bosnia are being held the same night. I don't know which one to go get wasted at. Have you heard which one is open bar? - Change through Charity Dear Charity: I can't say that I have. Of course, it would be infinitely appropriate to go and take advantage of the numerous Bacchanalian opportunities offered by each. Nothing like a party to emphasize helping those much less fortunate. Dear O'Connor: My friends and I like to sling the phrase "ignorant xenophobe" (as well as other inflammatory accusative remarks) at DP columnists whose columns we haven't really read in our all too plentiful spare time. Can you tell me what "ignorant xenophobe" actually means? - Low verbal scorer on the SAT in the Quad Dear Low: A xenophobe is one who fears the strange or foreign. (example: one who advocates the increased presence of more than two religious groups at the center of campus is not a xenophobe.) Note: Attachment of the word ignorant to xenophobe is redundant in most circles. Dear Jill: I really need to get a copy of an old exam to study for my next midterm. My prof won't give me permission, but I might get a "B" without it, and then I'll never get a job with Goldman Sachs. What can I do? -Stressed in S-D Dear In S-D: It could be worse. You could just be performing rote memorization in order to monger grades. Be proud that you have discovered that elusive academic grail. Dear Jill: My friends all pledged a different, cooler sorority than me, and now we don't speak anymore. What can I do to make myself a more suitable friend to them? -Pledge Peon Dear Pledge: Why would you expect them to speak to you when they've just purchased 120 new appropriate best friends? Learn your proper place, peon. Dear Jill: Those little Escort drivers are always late when I'm trying to get home from work and drive much too quickly. I'd really like to see them all fired. What can I do to achieve this? - Employee of the University Dear Employee: Just take the bus like you should. Dear Jill: My English professors all go over the material much too quickly for me to grasp all the material and concepts even after I've read all of the material. What can I do? -Worried on Walnut Dear Worried, Take notes on everything that comes out of the professor's mouth (especially during class discussions) so you can regurgitate it for all of your ground-breaking literary analyses. This is the key to true knowledge, my friend, and treasure it as you would your future LSAT prep books. Dear Jill: I'm a queer, and no one at this university seems to care much! I've tried drawing a triangle on my head in indelible pink ink, shaving my head, but no one pays much attention to my sexual identity! Why is everyone so sexist? -Queer Invading Penn Dear Queer: I too have had the same problems in getting others to take public notice of my sexuality. I have long hair, wear make-up daily, and constantly hold hands with my boyfriend on Locust Walk, yet no one gives me extra notice because of it. What's up with this? Dear Jill: All my teachers are a bunch of feminists and liberals and I'm a truly tolerant and intellectual guy, but I've never received a fair grade in my college career. How can I get a good grade from all of these whacked out pms-ed bitches? -Open-minded Kinda Guy Dear Open-minded: I'm completely with you on this one. All professors here are either faggots, women or liberals, so therefore it is so painfully obvious that every single one of your grades have been politically motivated. I say you lobby today to found a Penn Men's Center to go in the old Theta Xi house! Jillian O'Connor is a senior English major from Boston, Massachusetts. You're Nothing But a Pack of Cards! appears alternate Mondays.