COLUMN: A Progressive Requirement

From Dan Schorr's "Behind Enemy Lines," Winter '94 From Dan Schorr's "Behind Enemy Lines," Winter '94When the Student Committee on Undergraduate Education presented its proposal for a new College General Requirement, some people felt that important disciplines of study were ignored. Instead, the curriculum was simply designed to serve academic and intellectual interests. It seems that the proposal took the term "University" far, far too literally. But have no fear. You may yet get your well-needed dose of moral enlightenment. Proponents of a new mandatory course, affectionately called "Racism 101," are here to strengthen the community. Apparently, sensitivity seminars were too hit-and-miss. Too many students fell through the cracks. So now administrators are contemplating a mandatory course that will teach us all the true reasons for societal problems. One might wonder whether other philosophies of life, such as libertarianism, republicanism, or scientology will be mandatory as well. Could their theories be as useful as those propounded in Racism 101? Nah. What people don't know is that "Racism 101" is the prototype for an entire forthcoming mandatory curriculum of courses designed to better our moral fortitude. I have discovered this secret, unreleased General Requirement. And now, in the journalistic tradition of Woodward and Bernstein, I will present it to the University community. Required for every matriculate beginning in fall 1994 is "Psychology 5: Thinking Good Thoughts." Have you committed any thought crimes lately? Unfortunately, George Orwell's fictional police have yet to be realized, so we may never know. But in Psych 5, students will learn to control the dangerously mischievous thought process. Extra study sessions will be taught by Robin Read. But only some of us are privileged to know what "good thoughts" are. That's where "Philosophy 87: Defining 'the Good' in the Modern Progressive University" comes in. Learn how to substitute emotion for reason when formulating policies for sensitive issues. You may not know what "the good" is, but don't worry – our administrators do. And they're generously offering to instruct us. Imagine that. And you thought you were just purchasing an education. The next requirement is "Linguistics 43: Doublespeak for Fun and Profit." Say "diversity" when you mean "segregation!" Use "minorities" without including Asians! You want indoctrination? Just call it "sensitivity!" Amaze your friends. You'll even learn how to keep a speech code and suspend it at the same time! The History department will mandate "History 211: Learning Who's Historically Oppressed." At first glance, it may seem that many groups would fit into this seemingly nebulous category, but the University must avoid sensitivity overkill. Should you give or receive reparations for your group's history? The verdict will be revealed in History 211. Of course, no General Requirement would be complete without a mandatory course in English. Next year, everyone will take "English 235: Shakespeare the Racist (and other evil authors)." Learn the true nature of English literature – the ramblings of Dead White European Males (DWEMs) who are representatives of the oppressive Western patriarchal society. Read books with special enlightened commentary by wise people! Chaucer's a sexist and Hemingway's a homophobe in English 235. Wharton, too, will have mandatory moral instruction. All freshmen will take "Wharton 102: How to Not Make Money and Thereby Avoid Contributing to an Evil, Bigoted Society." Many business students don't realize that taking part in the American free enterprise system signifies an unconscious acceptance of capitalist tyranny at home and abroad. This course, while not preventing future participation in the business world, will make students feel really guilty about it. This proposed General Requirement may seem restrictive, but hasn't society been pretty restrictive for the last few centuries? Turnabout is fair play. Nevertheless, the University will offer some choices. You can either take "Calculus 242: Oppression and the Base 10 Numbering System" or "Communications 222: Bias in the Early Afternoon Game Show." There's also the interdisciplinary major in racism and sexism where you spend time studying in a prejudiced, backwards, hopelessly evil country – America! Now students will have double benefits from college. Not only will they be more knowledgeable and educated, but they'll also be better people. Some of you may think Racism 101 and the new General Requirement are unnecessary, that moral instruction in the classroom will only be superficial. You may argue that morality is too complex and subjective for an instructor to define and dictate. If you feel this way, then you are the reason these courses must be offered. You just don't understand. But don't worry – you will. Oh, yes. You will. Let's just be thankful that the University didn't attempt such moral instruction earlier in its history. Imagine a course on gender roles in the pre-female suffrage 1800s. Or picture a course on race relations during the period of segregation earlier this century. Moral instruction then would have been horrible – destructive. But the modern University administrators have the presence of mind to preach the correct behavior that their predecessors lacked. We are the first generation in the history of the world to have elders who truly understand the path to morality. Long live the wise, progressive, enlightened, beneficent administrators. They are the path to salvation, they see the light. Teach us, wise ones. Here is my $100,000 – show me the way. Dan Schorr is a junior English major from Valley Stream, New York. Behind Enemy Lines will appear alternate Fridays.