COLUMN: The Short List

From Brian Kennedy's "Surfo Ergo Sum," Fall '93 From Brian Kennedy's "Surfo Ergo Sum," Fall '93Here we go again. The search has started. Nervous job-seekers everywhere are waiting for the nod. No, it's not CPPS calling with an interesting offer. It's the Presidential Search Committee digging dirt on potential Penn potentates. In the end, ole wishy-washy Penn will probably make a nice, safe choice and select someone with traditional qualifications for a university presidency. Membership in a respectable country-club, established money, and an Ivy League degree of some sort are usually the dominant characteristics. Lack of a blue blazer and weathered wing-tips, though, will immediately negate any seemingly qualified candidate But this is a new age, one that calls for innovation. The search committee should abandon its boring list of usual suspects (Gregorian, Fagin, et al) and make a bold choice to head us into the next millennium. So I propose, no wait. As a member of the Penn community, I would like to nominate the following 10 people for President. 1. Al Bagnoli. In just two years, Bagnoli has succeeded in rebuilding Penn's football team from the Ivy basement to a position of national respectability. If he were to move his offices from Franklin Field to College Hall, Penn might be able to rush to the top of those damn U.S. News & World Report polls. 2. Quarter man. This leg-waving favorite has greeted more members of the Penn community throughout the years than anybody. His relentless drive and gracious, "Thank you very much" would be a big boost to the Capital Campaign. 3. Michael Jordan. Hey, we all know he needs a job now. Just put his face in front of all the alumni brochures and watch contributions jump to record levels. Think of the great recruiting pitch Fran Dunphy would have-- "Hey, kid, You wanna be like Mike?" 4. Ted Kennedy. Aren't you sick and tired of the restrictive alcohol policies? With Teddy in charge we can be sure that the social life around here would pick-up. His Ivy League credentials give him an advantage over the other picks, but his penchant for wandering around naked late at night might get him in trouble in the library stacks some night. 5. Andy Sernovitz. Remember him? Andy's popularity as a DP columnist was unrivaled. His ability to write something funny even when he was just trying to fill space to meet a deadline is greatly admired by anyone who has ever attempted to do the same thing. At least, if we give him the job there is a valid excuse for allowing him to be a columnist again. Besides, school would be a lot more fun with him in charge of the budget. Since he is now languishing in Washington with Hackney, who he once told to kiss his butt, Andy needs to find a job in a town where his upward mobility is not limited by his past. 6. Wilbur Smith. A permanent fixture at Smokey Joe's, Wilbur has rubbed elbows with generations of Penn students. His incorruptibility is perfect for an administrative position and his face is widely recognized around campus. If chosen, President Smith would like to buy everyone on campus a drink. 7. Joe Merlino. "Skinny Joey" has been notoriously trying to become capo here in Philly for some time now. A strict disciplinarian, Skinny Joey would be able to rid the University of all the bureaucratic squabbling – or else. He is rumored to be waiting for the presidential search committee to make him an offer he can't refuse. And John Stanfa can be Provost. A kinda, unity package-ticket type thing, ya know. 8. Cindy Harvey. Cindy has always wanted me to mention her in one of my columns, so here's her big chance. This Tri-Delt president brings an impressive list of qualifications to the job and would like to "turn Penn into one big, happy family." Her recent dating exploits with a renowned DP cartoonist will definitely get her good press – or at least art. 9. Kenny Baer. With Kenny's steady hand on the helm for the past year, the DP editorial page has charted the roughest seas without getting sunk. This senior's brilliant choices for columnists exhibits the care and dedication that he would put into naming new University executives. Outspoken on every issue, Kenny won't be afraid to take a stance when needed. His need for permanent employment next year is a plus. Realistically, look for Kenny to be flippin' burgers in Cherry Hill since he isn't very popular right now with the Board of Trustees. 10. Me. While my qualifications are nowhere near as impressive as the others, I would still take the job. Not only would I be a fantastic administrator, I'd have the views of the students at heart, and I can tolerate listening to them. As a bartender, I have listened to people whining about their failed marriages for four years. Bratty students bitching about fraternities will be a piece of cake. Plus I'm an English major who would rather eat a dead rat than go to law school, so I really need the job. Look, if you choose me you still get to brag about having a Kennedy in charge, but I'm slightly more discrete about where I wander in the buff. Well, there they are folks. I'm sure many of you are disappointed at not having better selections. But hey, the Democrats once decided on Dukakis, didn't they? Brian Kennedy is a senior English major from West Orange, New Jersey. Surfo Ergo Sum appears alternate Tuesdays.