JOKE ISSUE: Seinfeld to speak to grads

Jerry Seinfeld, the kooky comedian who has rocketed to the top of the humor world, will be the keynote speaker at this year's Commencement on May 17. Seinfeld is best known for his self-entitled Thursday night television show which explores the everyday problems of his life as a comedian in New York City. Speaking from the Louisville, Ky., site of his latest stand-up performance, Seinfeld said last night that he is excited to be coming to the University, even though he said he did not know why he was picked. "Frankly, I'm shocked," Seinfeld said about his selection. "They probably wanted Clinton, Deng Xiao-Ping, and even Cosby before me, but hey, it's an honor." Seinfeld, himself a graduate of the College of General Studies, added that he has fond memories of the University. "We drank Tab, ate cheese nips and played Pong all day long," Seinfeld said. Former Undergraduate Assembly Chairperson Jeff Lichtman, one of the members of the speaker selection committee, said he believes Seinfeld will be the best graduation speaker in years. "What Seinfeld brings is a maelstrom of Jewish angst, the likes of which Penn has yet to see," said Lichtman, a College senior. Lichtman added that Seinfeld's status as an Alpha Epsilon Pi alum "could be a big selling point to the Penn audience." While Lichtman would not comment directly on other choices for speaker, a member of the Panhellenic Council said that, among others, Stephen Hawking, C.S. Lewis and Soleil Moon Frye were all up for consideration. Most students received the announcement with glee. "Like, who is this guy," said College freshman Ryan Jaffe, pathetically imitating, as do all faithful Seinfeld watchers, his comedy guru. And Nursing junior Sammy Beeblebox said she thinks Seinfeld will bring an air of festivity to graduation ceremonies. "I'm caught in an elevator, and I'm thinking, hey, this guy could be funny," Beeblebox babbled. But other students said they don't think Seinfeld will be humorous. B.A. Baracus, a Wharton junior, said Seinfeld sucks. "Why couldn't we get someone cool like Carol Channing or Erin Grey," Baracus raged. "I pity those foolish people who selected Seinfeld."

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