COLUMN: "Apocalypse Now"

From Mike Ingenthron's "Cheesecake Truck," Fall '92 We all knew it was coming. It was inevitable. Then, this fall, all the "messengers of Christ" said that October 28 was "The Day." The Second Coming of the Son of God. The Apocalypse. Since the beginning of the semester, I've heard rumors from other Penn students that the Messiah will return to Earth on Wednesday. Honest. I'm not making this up (yet). Sure, I've heard it before. Usually from the guy who thinks he himself is Jesus and stands out on the street of some large urban megalopolis, smoking a lot of cigarettes. (I didn't know Jesus was a Marlboro man.) But, this time, I found out that Jesus himself is coming back to earth. I did research on this. According to my private sources, He's expected to perform at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas on the 28th. He and Wayne Newton. They'll probably sing some new hip-hop numbers together, to be sure, but don't worry; they'll play all the old favorites as well. So if the world really does end on the 28th, we all have some serious living to do. I, for one, am not going to sit in my Motel 6 room any longer, living on Pop Tarts, F-Troop reruns and Rock-A-Dile Red Kool-Ade, trying to bleach the urine stains out of my underwear. I want to travel to Vegas and see the Messiah for myself, to see if He's what the Scriptures say he is. As a baptized Catholic, I've interpreted "The Word" of God with growing skepticism. A large part of that skepticism is probably based on the methods my parents utilized when introducing religion into my life: "Son, we want you to be able to achieve your own goals and be your own person when you grow up. Oh, and by the way, OPEN WIDE SO WE CAN SHOVE OUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS DOWN YOUR THROAT." But I have no proof that Jesus was anything but the Savior. Let's just say I have a hunch. I wonder what He really looks like? I think He's black. I've seen all the pictures of Him, and I just don't buy that Deadhead hippie look. Maybe there weren't a lot of African-Americans in Israel back in His day, but He always could have been from out of town. How will He present himself when he arrives? Will He show the holes in His hands and feet? Will He have washed them, or would he have left the blood there, congealing and all? Or will He come back to our planet as someone totally different? Maybe He'll dress up as the Devil. Jesus always seemed like He had a cool sense of humor. And then there's this business of the world ending. Am I ready for my existence to cease? I keep thinking about all the things I've never seen: The Taj Mahal, the new Matterhorn at Disney World, The Little Mermaid, or Episodes I, II, III, and VII of the supposed "Star Wars saga." But look at this world. It's got headless chickens running around Perdue farms. It's got disease and death -- maybe worse -- at all four corners of the world. It's got kids in the same gang shooting at each other over stolen drugs or money. Maybe I won't miss the world so much after all. So let's pretend Jesus does come to Caesar's Palace. What will the typical Christ follower do? Probably something like this: Our devout Christian -- let's call him Manny -- lands in Las Vegas. He's spent all his money on the plane ticket and Caesar's Palace ticket. Manny will grab a seat by the back, salt lick in hand, patiently sit through Wayne Newton's set, when finally the moment will come. And what will Jesus do? Well, I hope He strolls out onto the stage in this cool '70s disco motif. Turns out He is a Deadhead. Then He'll turn toward the crowd, tell them they were going to hell, rip up a picture of the Pope -- the Pope was never in the Bible anyway -- pull out a gun, and shoot Wayne Newton five times in the head, drop the gun and vanish. If Jesus does, I'll be a born-again Christian. Regardless, I'll be waking up on the morning of the 28th -- probably in a cold sweat if the Captain Kangaroo dreams don't stop -- putting on my "Jesus Saves Gretzky Shoots and Scores!" T-shirt, and going to look for Him. Just in case He doesn't come, I'll pack an overnight bag. Michael Ingenthron is a junior Accounting major from St. Louis, Missouri. "Cheesecake Truck" appears alternate Mondays.