COLUMN: "Oh, Fiddleypinks!"

From Brandon Fogel and Jason Seiden's "Skippy Gone Batty," Spring '92 Bat's Note: Unfortunately, my partner in wanna-be-slut moronity (see Letters to the Editor) was recently infected with 36 different viruses, so I chopped him up into lots of little pieces and sent them to Nepal. For that reason, Skippy was unavailable to collaborate on our column this week. The following ramblings are completely my own and express only my opinion. · Earlier this week I was blessed with a startling revelation. I finally determined the root of all the social problems we have here at good 'ol U. of Penn. We don't have enough Vikings. We don't have enough activists, either. Or spazzes, or granolas. We don't have enough of your everyday-run-of-the-mill-strange-as-all-hell people. This campus is filled with the kind of people who, in third grade, would always ask the teacher at the end of class if she had forgotten to assign homework. In short, we don't have enough fun. This campus is as sterile as a soap-filled Trojan-Ribbed. There's just not enough strangeness around here. Except for the stray psychopathic bum or random Bible salesman/evangelist, nothing exciting ever happens here. The only really funny thing that's happened to me on the Walk this year was when a mildly attractive woman -- which should be amusing enough, considering my location at the time -- asked me to write my most bizarre sexual fantasy on her back. I cheerfully obliged, only to find out she was on a trip from a different, far-away school. We had to import fun. The Vikings had fun. Of course, they raped and pillaged and basically terrorized entire countrysides for their own amusement, but they had a good time. They didn't wonder whether they should call themselves Sub-Arctic Europeans or not, or even if their actions were "morally" correct. They just did what they wanted, setting their own standards for social acceptance. Here at the University of Anal Retents, we don't know any better. Most U. Penners are too busy worrying about whether they'll go to hell for saying "Oriental," or about when their next J. Crew shipment will arrive, to let loose and have a good time. As a college campus, we suck. There's almost no political activism, and any public outburst of exuberance is severely frowned upon. The administration is partly to blame. At many schools that, like ours, lack the proper multitude of local bars, the Greek system provides a large amount of social activity. The wild antics that come with the Greek system can add a lot of tradition and character to a campus. Through BYOB policies and the constant threat of punishment, the administration is successfully strangling this necessary outlet. Houses are terrified that the slightest mistake will result in the loss of their charters. However, the administration is not the real problem. The strait-laced student body that supports these policies is the culprit. And I'm sick of putting up with all these premature geriatrics -- I want some change. I'm not saying that people should go rape and pillage -- despite the misconception of everyone who completely missed the point of our last column (see Letters to the Editor again). But I am asking people to lighten the hell up. Scratch that -- I'm ordering them. I command you to romp and frolic! Let your guard down! Cavort in a pool of your own glee! To facilitate the transition to a fun campus, I'm establishing the Viking Society for Admiration of the Loquacious Toaster (VSLAQ -- pronounced "fiddleypinks"). To join, one must become a Viking, and then do something insanely crazy that contributes to the general amusement of the student body. Write to me at the DP for more info. Don't worry, there doesn't seem to be a screening process for mail that comes here. For those of you who don't know what the Loquacious Toaster is, you're not supposed to. I could tell you, but then I'd have to rape and pillage you. Just know that the Loquacious Toaster is all-powerful and that you should fear it. It may be difficult to let loose at first, but it's something that has to be done. Just make yourself do it. Pull the trigger. If it doesn't taste bad, it won't help. No pain, no gain. Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care. We've got to reverse the bore-ification of this campus. I know it will be like jogging at six in the morning, but just trust me and the Loquacious Toaster, we know what's good for everyone. In the words of an old, sagacious frequent flyer, "You've got to go through hell before you get to heaven . . . " Brandon "Wombat" Fogel is a freshman Physics major from Potomac, Maryland. Jason "Skippy" Seiden is a freshman Entrepreneurial Management major from Highland Park, Illinois. "Skippy Gone Batty" appears alternate Fridays.

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