LETTER: Re: Cycling

I honestly feel that too much time is being dedicated to the "bicycles on Locust Walk" issue. To save everybody time, I offer the following suggestion, which at the same time resolves the "fraternities on Locust Walk" issue. We should simply ask all fraternities that line Locust Walk to smash all their empty beer bottles on the Walk. The result is obvious: we get rid of all the pestering vehicles. This includes bicycles, golf carts, campus security cars, cars belonging to people who are drunk or who are parading the Porsche that daddy bought them, and also that little helmet that in the fall announces when the Penn football team is going to lose their next game. In the process, we make fraternities an integral part of everybody's Penn experience. I realize my plan has certain flaws, so let me expand on what I feel are its most serious drawbacks. My plan fails miserably to be environmentally safe, since we should naturally be concerned about recycling the empty beer bottles. But let me point out that it would probably not take very many bottles to achieve the desired result and that the benefits outweigh the consequence of not recycling them. Another problem is that fraternities often prefer to buy cheaper canned beer, but I am sure that if the school would offer them a generous subsidy that they would willingly make the switch to bottled beer. There are, of course, more complicated problems such as the million dollar lawsuits that the school might receive because people will have little pieces of glass stuck to the bottom of their Armani shoes. Do not despair, because for this and all other complications I have a brilliant solution: we will form a committee which will dedicate all of its energies to the successful implementation of my scheme. DAVID MAYER College '92

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