It’s rough to play field hockey on the wrong type of field.

You’d think it wouldn’t matter what kind of grass you’re playing on. Why did these bitties betch and moan for years about something so technical? It’s called field hockey. It’s played on a field.

The team even got the Daily Pennsylvanian to write a story about it and call the program a joke.

It’s cool though, because on Tuesday, Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky announced he would be installing an AstroTurf field in the Penn Park space between the tennis courts and the South Street Bridge.

“Finally, he got on board,” Penn coach Colleen Quinn Fink said in reference to her season’s goal of actually scoring a goal.

“I only did this to get those whiny girls to shut up for at least a second,” Bilsky said in an exclusive interview at his home. “And to get sports whose uniforms are skirts out of Franklin Field. No skirts in Franklin Field.”

The Bronzed One did not speculate on his plans to get the women’s lacrosse and sprint football teams out of The Frank.

“The only board I’m on is that swanky new HD video board at the Palestra,” Bilsky added.

Fink said the new field would elevate her team “to a whole new level,” and was glad they could finally compete against many teams that had refused to play Penn strictly based on its field surface.

Or maybe not.

Either way, the new field will certainly bring in new fans to the field hockey team.

“Something about watching that sport at Franklin Field seems fishy to me,” a Wharton sophomore, who wished to be unnamed, said. “I think this is something the entire student body wanted: to watch field hockey on a bright green carpet-like surface.”

Here’s to carpets.

For more information, check out this related story.

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