*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.

Yesterday Jack Wyant, coach of the Penn squash teams, issued a formal apology to the University community for faking the birth of his second child, who Wyant called “Charlie.”

Wyant skipped the men’s national championships in Cambridge, Mass., to return home for the alleged delivery, citing “fatigue, a sour mood and a general distaste for Harvard’s colonial architecture and bohemian people” as reasons for the sham.

Looking dapper — albeit a bit sad — in one of his signature game-time suits, Wyant asked forgiveness from the assembly of disappointed fans and screaming teenage girls that attended the press conference, as newly acquired sidekick assistant coach Amy Gross patted his back.

“Jack has had a rough year,” Gross said. “Not only has he added the responsibility of overseeing two teams to that of being a father, but he has to cope with the idea that he might not be the hottest coach on the court anymore.”

“There’s no excuse for what I did,” Wyant said, denying rumors that a Golden Girls marathon played a role in skipping the tournament, “but I do hope that I can make it up next year when I return for my new campus show, The Jack Wyant Project, airing this September on UTV13.”

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