*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.
In this primary season's most heated contest so far, Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came to University City for a high-stakes, late-night bowling match at Strikes Tuesday.
"The primary season was just dragging on so long," said Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean. "We had to do something - it seemed like the best option at the time."
When Obama entered the room, cheers erupted. The loudest cheers came from the media section, where several journalists swooned in his presence.
Before the match began, Obama delivered an eloquent, inspirational speech about the new future represented by the symbolic act of bowling.
"These pins represent the old Washington," Obama said. "When I knock them down, I knock down the corrupt political system to create a place for the new politics of hope."
His remarks were greeted by chants of "YES WE CAN!" from a group of reporters donning "Barack the Vote" shirts.
Immediately following the speech, the heavens opened up, and a light shone down on Obama. Multicultural angels began singing.
"Trust me, we know a messiah when we see one," an angel of nondeterminant color said in an exclusive interview following the match. "Even I get light-headed in his presence."
At the start of the match, Clinton appeared smug. After Obama's abysmal score of 37 while bowling earlier this month, former Clinton chief strategist Mark Penn said, "There's no way Hillary can't win."
"I mean, that's how she spent all her time while Bill was president," Penn added. "She was working on her bowling game in the White House."
However, once the match began, it became clear that Hillary would be unable to win a convincing victory, since she had to leave during the seventh frame. At 3 a.m. a phone rang, and Clinton ran out of the room to answer it.
"It's too bad it was only the Insomnia Cookies delivery boy," Philadelphia mayor and Clinton supporter Michael Nutter said. "It would have been a great opportunity for Hillary to prove her readiness to lead on Day One."
At the end of the match, Obama bowled a 38 and Clinton a 29. Clinton claimed she was hindered by the sniper fire she encountered on the way back from the ladies' room. She appealed to the superdelegates to help her win with little luck.
"I wanted to vote for her, I really did," said Pennsylvania governor and Clinton supporter Ed Rendell. "But in the end, she just didn't have the delegates - er, pins - to win the nomination."
Clinton conceded defeat, saying, "I didn't have the score for the nomination, but if I did, I would be ready on Day One."
The event was closed to the public, but a limited number of tickets were available in eggs scattered around Locust Walk.
